Bum, bum, bum, bum, BUM

I usually don't like ripping on people...ok that's a lie.  Um...I usually don't like ripping on those less fortunate than myself...Ok, for real I fucking love ripping on people.  It's a lot of fun (A LOT).  I don't care if you're crippled or retarded, funny is funny (haha retards).  If people didn't get so butt hurt about things life would be a lot better for everyone (mostly me).  Anyway there is one group of people that lately has really been chapping my ass (i have been wanting to use the phrase chapping my ass for too long!).  BUMS.  I hate bums and they are everywhere.  First, there is this lady (i think) on Riverside and I35.  Shes' way to fucking happy.  It makes me want to slit my wrists.  It's 100 degrees and she's outside  dancing and smiling like she just had her first kiss!  HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPIER THAN ME!!!  There's also the guys that carry around the squeegee and try to wash your windows.  I appreciate that they are doing me a service in exchange for quarters, but if they hadn't stole the fucking squeegee from the gas station I'd of been able to wash my own damn window!  Also...where exactly did you find that muddy ass water?

Those bums don't bother me as much as the guys downtown.  They are annoying and aggressive.  There is nothing that makes me angrier than driving around down town for 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot only to find a bum standing in one, waving me in and expecting me to give him money for it.  Listen buddy, if I am willing to waste my life driving around for 20 minutes looking for street parking because I'm too cheap to park in a parking lot, I sure as hell am not going to give you money for standing in the god damn way!  Last week I actually had to yell at a bum.  There were two spots magically open and standing there were two bums. I parked and the guy hit me up for money to which I said ,"I only have check card."  He said, "I'll go to an ATM."  I said, "Yeah sure, I'll meet you there."  Then he puts his hands on my window and puts his face up to it to see if he can see change in my car.  I freak out on him and he runs away.

There are also the "Hey I'm your buddy" bums.  These guys usually amuse me more than annoy me.  There was this one strange man who was started walking with me when I was on my way to my car.  He starts up conversation by telling me I shouldn't jay walk because he got a $250 fine once...of course he was jay walking with me at the time.  He also smells like a mixture of urine and old bananas.  He then starts telling me that his friend ditched him downtown and that he really needs a ride to the tire shop to pick up his tire so he can get out of there.  He pulls out his wallet and tells me he has $30 dollars if I'll give him a ride.  He clearly has exactly 1 dollar in his wallet and a coupon for walgreens.  He asks if he can use my phone to call his friend.  I let him (risky but I wanted to see where this was going).  I dial the number for him...which happened to be only 9 digits long.  I tell him he needs one more number but he insists  that is it.  Obviously it doesn't work.  He then asks if I'll just give him a ride to the tire shop so he can pick up his tire and be on his way.  To which I respond, "It's 3 AM.  There aren't any tire shops open and you sure as hell aren't going to be able to pay them with a  Walgreens coupon."  I then tell him to go away and he does.

My favorite guy though and a guy i actually did give money too was this guy just the other night.  I found parking and he was nearby and as I'm walking past he says, "Wow that was lucky you found great parking."  I say, "yep."  Then he follows me a little and he says in the most pleasant voice I've ever heard a bum use, "Can I make a suggestion on where you should go?"  I am intrigued, I am thinking, "Yes Mr. Bum...where should i go?"  So I ask him and he says, "Do you like Jazz?"  I say that I do, and he says, "Well you should go somewhere they have jazz music."  hahahaha.  I loved that.  So I gave him a dollar.

Why I hate talking with people...except you. I love talking to you.

Talking with people is a lot of work...it really is.  If I'm going to be moving my mouth that much there better be bacon coming into it...just sayin.  That being said, there is one thing I hate more than talking...text messaging.  Don't get me wrong.  i do it all day everyday...mostly because text messaging had turned a 5 minute conversation into a 3 hour long read-a-thon.  I know what you're thinking, because you're an ass and we think alike.  You're wondering why i have text messaging if I hate it so much.  The answer is simple...nobody calls anymore.  If I didn't have text, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't talk to anyone...ever.  You can order fuckin' pizza by text message now.  Is that REALLY necessary?  Have I shunned human contact so much that I don't even want to have to say words to a human in order to get a $15 slab of bread with canned tomatoes on it?  The thing i hate most about texting, is that you have to be able to read between the lines because people tend to not say what they are thinking.  I am not really used to this but I am learning.  The weird thing is that by being aloof and vague people are more likely to do what I want than if I were to just ask them directly.  For instance here is a recent conversation I had with someone by text.  I had tried several times to text this person and call and they never responded.  Randomly they decided to text me after a few weeks.  In ( ) is what they really meant and what I really meant.


Them: What are you doing?  (Want to do something with me?)
Me: Nothing important, watching TV and petting the dog.  (What did you have in mind?)
Them: I"M SOOOO HUNGRY (Want to go eat?)
Me: I'm always hungry.  Have you ever been to Your Mom's? (Yes I do.  Want to eat at Your Mom's?)
Them:  Never heard of it, how do I get there?  (Can I ride with you?)
Me: Why don't I just pick you up? (I'll come get you because I know you're retarded)
Them: I dunno, I don't want you to go out of your way. (Yes please come get me.)
Me: No, it's cool.  We can chat in the car.  (It's on the way)
Them: Ok cool, want to go at 5? (How does 6 sound?)
Me: Yeah sure I need to shower and stuff anyway. (I'm playing Halo)

If it were me I'd just try to say what I wanted in as few texts as possible.  I would of sent one text saying, "Hey do you want to go to Your Mom's burgers at 6?"  They never would of responded...even if that's what they wanted to do.  Because people are annoying.  They can't commit to a time or a place, but if you bring it up organically somehow in conversation they'll do it every time.  It doesn't matter if that was your agenda all a long, you have to say it in a round about way.

Here is another conversation I had with someone.

Me: Hey, do you want me to bring over my controllers?
Them: Hold on I cant text right now.

WTF?!?!?  It's a Yes or NO question and you write an entire sentence about how you can't text...what is the matter with people?

Finally found my true love

     For those of you who aren't yet aware, I'm quite the catch.  First off, I'm handsome.  How do I know?  My Grandma Till used to tell me that every Christmas...of course she also would tell me I was going bald and getting fat, but usually that wasn't until after I would make fun of her for being old for a good 20 minutes.  I really miss that old bat.  Secondly, I'm a catch because I smell good (like chili), am handy to have around (I can reach things up high AND low), don't mind killing spiders or snakes (as long as I have oven mitts and salad tongs), and I'm really good at finding the remote, but I'm not giving it up so don't even ask.
     So with all this obvious awesomeness it is no wonder that I finally found my one true love...that's right, the mistress of the night, Lady Karaoke.  Turns out...I feel about karaoke like my sister in law feels about corn...I FUCKIN' LOVE IT! 
     I never knew I loved karaoke until I moved to Austin.  May be it's because I have a strange crush on Willie Nelson, or that Austin is the live music capital of the world, but I love it.  Well truthfully i suppose my first brush with karaoke was playing Rockband on my Xbox 360 (NERD!).  While i was in Duluth living in the Shermer basement/dungeon I would frequently sing by myself pretending I was entertaining the masses, but really just annoying the mice that lived above my room.
     Moving to Austin I was a little overwhelmed by the sudden lack of knowing people (but pleased with the sudden influx of BBQ).  One day I just decided I needed to go hang out at the bar and try to meet some people (ANYONE!) As you might know I'm not the best drinker in the world...my first drink resulted in me beating up the floor with my face. (Face-0 Floor-1).  So this time I decided to just drink diet coke (classy/manly).  So at first I just kind of watched people (lurked).  I'm shy and weird and just stood in the corner next to the garbage can drinking diet cokes and looking at sports pages on my cell phone (go rockets!).  It doesn't help that clubs are dark and I can barely see so really I just squint at people...not my best face.  I finally drank so much diet coke that I had to go pee about every 20 minutes...so I was officially changed from the weird guy who was standing next to the garbage can and drinking diet coke, to the weird guy who was hanging out in the bathroom way more than any normal person should (still sexy though).  Finally I decided to just try out this karaoke.  They had my favorite song to sing, "Say it ain't so". So i figured it was Divine intervention.
    I have to admit.  For the first time since I can remember I was actually really nervous.  I hadn't been on stage for a while and while the bar wasn't exactly packed it was full enough.  Also I had ZERO support and diet coke really doesn't give me much liquid courage.  Still I climbed to the top of the stage (hero?).  I was actually trembling when the music started.  I covered my face with the mic, and looked straight down at the words.  I could feel my leg shaking.  I think people thought I was dancing and excused me for being off beat because I was the whitest person they had ever seen.  I think when I got on stage I heard a Latino dude say, "Holy shit is he dying?"
     Finally the song started and all my nerves went away and I just sang my bacon clogged heart out.  While I was singing this lady snuck on stage and grabbed my ass...she was a hundred years old, completely wasted, missing clumps of hair, but I was still flattered.  Afterwards I looked up and people were cheering and clapping, probably no more than being polite, but in my head I was like, FUCK YEAH!  So i strutted off stage with some swagger and instantly this man came up to me and started telling me how awesome I was (per usual).  Of course I let him continue even though he smelled suspiciously like he hadn't seen a shower since 1975. After stroking my already overly inflated ego he started talking about how he was finally off his medication and only smoking pot...then he continued to tell me he was moving to Hawaii to start a pot farm and that I would be just the guy to go with him.  Apparently being able to kind of sing Weezer qualifies me for starting a pot farm with a homeless guy.  If things in Austin don't work out I think I just may take him up on that offer.
     That's the nice thing about Karaoke.  You meet people.  True usually it's people I never want to see again in my life.  Last night I was at Karaoke and the oldest lady in the bar came up to me and told me I was beautiful.  Then she went on to tell me about how she stays in Texas because she is tall and wants to stand out, just when I was about to think that my crazy hair=crazy person theory was wrong she for some reason started mocking my friend Pius because he's Asian.  I was actually pretty mad about it because it's my job to make fun of Pius for him being Asian.  Randomly she started talking in her best "engrish" impression and was doing a terrible Charlie Chan impression.  Of course her love for me didn't subside when I sang "Runaround Sue" and "Under the Boardwalk" both songs that were probably popular when she was...50?  I dunno.  She was weird but I accidentaly crushed her hand when I shook it...so I guess we are even?
    
until next time,

D