My love affair with RGIS has officially come to a close. I could no longer put up with the surreal situations that I found myself in. At first I was amused by the ridiculousness of the people, but after a while that amusement changed to contempt.
First there was Fred. Fred was by far my favorite person at RGIS. He's probably the only person I met there that I actually liked. Not that there aren't people there that I would like, it's just that the people I had direct contact with were mostly crazy or idiots. Fred and I had nothing in common, but still I like him. There are parts of Fred that are commendable. He's really friendly and I think most people can't help but like him. That being said Fred lives in his own little world. He has by my count at least 6 kids with 6 different ladies. He sees this as an accomplishment but doesn't feel any of the guilt of not being a part of their lives. He's been to prison, for 4 years, and is going back. I never really asked him about it, but one day I got the full story of why he's going back. It was 5:00 am, which in my head is not usually a time I am on the phone. Fred however is always on the phone. This particular morning he was on the phone with one of his babies mamas. I usually just tune him out, but this time something caught my ear. First you have to know that he was talking in a tone that I would talk to an old friend...like we were reminiscing about something funny that happened to us a few years ago. I'm sure you know the kind of story I'm talking about, a completely friendly and cheerful conversation. Except the tone of Fred's story didn't quite match the content as this is where I started listening:
You know I had to hit you, mama(he calls all ladies mama). You were coming at me with a knife, and I had nowhere else to go. You had that killa look in your eyes. *chuckles* You grabbed a knife from your kitchen and took three busses to get across town and came at me. That's why I like you, you crazy....
They then laughed about it for a while and continued:
You're mama called me and she straight up told me, "If you hurt my little girl, I'll kill you." I don't mess with your moms. Your daddy calls though and he's all, "Oh Denise she's crazy, you know how she gets." Your moms a gangsta bitch from Russia. *more chuckles*
Then he started talking about how she's not getting child support from a different kid she has. He's not mad that she makes him pay, in fact he goes on to talk about how fast she got the paper work through, but he's angry that the other guy doesn't have to pay. He then talked for a good five minutes about how he was going to kick that guys ass.
Then he starts telling her about what he did to be going back to prison. And again, he's saying it in a tone and cadence that I would use if I was telling you about the time I ate a sandwich.
I was over at this girls house and her boy came home and walked in on us. I threw his punk ass out of his own house. I sat by the door with a shotgun and my desert eagle on my lap. I told him if he had a problem with that he should come on back to his house. He said he didn't have a problem, but that his boys might. So he sends this Mexican dude over and I show him my gun and he all wants to talk and finally he says, "whoa this isn't worth dieing over." So then he calls me on the phone and he asks me, "Whatcha gonna do?" So I told him, "I'm going to strangle your wife and drown you kids in the tub." And I even told him, " I bet your punk ass has the police on the other line." So then 10 minutes later I hear a bunch of sirens and I look out the window and there are 8 squad cars in the cul-de-sac. I'm thinking, "What is going on in this neighborhood, there is something going down." So I go outside to see who's getting busted and wouldn't you know it, it's me getting busted! *chuckles* I told that cop, "You better not come around here anymore because I never forget a face." He said, "are you threatening me?" I said, "I never forget a face." He then said, "You have mental problems." Then we got to the store and I didn't hear anymore of the story. Next time I will talk briefly about Cheryl...she was a real gem of a lady.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Ever been chased by a petting zoo?
Today was another thrilling day of counting things at a gas station followed by intense hours of reading medical transcripts. Somehow I finished all my work by 2:30 and was thrilled to spend the rest of my day doing nothing. After about 5 minutes of doing nothing and 16 trips to the refrigerator I decided to hit up Sam's club for some bulk beef jerky and trailmix. After driving into Austin and back and realizing that somehow I ate a half pound of jerky during a 15 minute car ride I decided to go for a walk. So I strapped on my walking clothes, downloaded some podcasts, did a few toe touches and I was off...I made it about 3 feet before one of my bosses at RGIS called me to ask me about my schedule...again. This is the 4th time in the last week they have asked me about my schedule. The first time was the main boss in which I thought everything was figured out, the second time was again the main boss who apparently forgot we spoke 2 days prior, the third time was my "team leader" whom I've never met. She asked me the same questions and I went over all of it again with her. I'm not going to get into it but basically they keep scheduling me for day shifts and night shifts on the same damn days and wondering what the problem is. Anyway my "team leader" who I haven't met, for that matter I've never met my team, told me all about her 5 children and then asked me for a job at Austin Medical Company...I told her we'd put her application on file....So this fourth time, just as I'm about to enjoy my day I've pretty much had enough. Again it's the main boss and I'm not sure I want to quit so I try to be as pleasant as I can, which granted got less and less pleasant while we went through the steps of what was wrong with my schedule for the 90th time...Eventually I told her I'd email her...so I asked her email she gave it and I wrote off an email before I even left my neighborhood (got to love the iphone). To this email she replied, "I don't usually use this email. Please email me at ______" DID YOU NOT JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THIS EMAIL!?!?!?!?!? So I forward the same message to her other email and I'm not answering the phone again until Tuesday. Anyway I'm fuming now on my friendly walk. I"m powerwalking like I've never powerwalked before. I even over took the three ladies desperately trying to get to prebaby weight who are always out pushing thier kids in these giant offroad racing strollers. Then some asshole in a brand new 1984 Ford Rustbucket yells something out the passager window as they fly by going 50 in a 30. I of course stick out my middle finger and shout out asshole...I then realize that there is a little old lady weeding her garder not 5 feet from me. I felt ashamed for 10 seconds before I realized that the pickup truck was turning around and comingback. My first thought was oddly, "Ok jerkass, you better hope you have a gun because if you don't one of us is going to get curb stomped." My second more sane though was, "Oh fuck what if he has a gun?!?!" I look to Gertrude for backup but since she seems to be a hundred and three and offended that I swore in front of her Chrysanthemums I don't think she's going to be any help. Then the truck passes by swings around again and pulls right up to me. I set one hand on my pocketknife and turned the volume down on my iphone and got ready for a tussle. The guy rolls down his window and says, "Yeah sorry about that, my friend is a moron. Do you know how to get to downtown Kyle from here?" I say in the friendliest voice I can muster, "Oh no problem! Just follow this road until you reach a stop sign and take a left...you can't miss it." He thanked me and took off. Then Gertrude says, "That's not how you get to downtown Kyle..." To which I say, "I know."
Needless to say I was feeling pre-tty badasssssss in that moment. I strutted my stuff for a good mile before it dawned on me that it's really hard too look cool when you're a grown man out for a walk. I already accepted that a grown man can't look cool riding a bicycle, no matter how many racing stripes he has on it, but until then I hadn't considered how lame I must look in my walking attire. Basically I'm in gym shorts and a t-shirt but suddenly I felt like a total douche, Like I was out in day glow spandex and tube socks. My thoughts were interrupted when I thought I heard someone calling my name. I stopped, turned down the podcast again, took out one ear bud and listened...then 1 foot behind me I hear a loud, "BRRRRRRRP!!" I turn around and am completely startled to see a real life goat. I go to pet the goat, because what the hell else do you do in that situation, when I realize that this really isn't a very friendly goat. And I swear I'm not making this up...I get chased by the god damn goat. I run and I'm not fast, especially not goat fast, but this doesn't occur to me right away, right away I'm just thinking, "Why the fuck is there a goat chasing me?!?" Then I slow down and think..."Wait...why am I running from a goat?" I stop turn around and the goat stops as well. I yell at him but the best I can come up with is, "BAD GOAT!" He looks at me for a second, yells back, "BRRRRRRRP" then lowers his head and starts eating the grass. At this moment I decide that my neighborhood has gone to hell and it's just to rough to be going out for walks at 3pm on a Friday. So I walk home and about 4 blocks from my house I see an old man in his rascal scooter sitting in the shade of a tree and I wonder what he's doing until I see on the other side of the street there are two completely naked kids running through a sprinkler. I then start thinking that I must be in some sort of Wes Anderson movie when the that neighborhood Chihuahua runs up and starts barking at me. I explain to him that I just got in a fight with a goat and that he is just wasting his time, but he doesn't listen and barks while chasing me all the way to my house and waits in my driveway until I come out and give him a piece of lunch meat.
Needless to say I was feeling pre-tty badasssssss in that moment. I strutted my stuff for a good mile before it dawned on me that it's really hard too look cool when you're a grown man out for a walk. I already accepted that a grown man can't look cool riding a bicycle, no matter how many racing stripes he has on it, but until then I hadn't considered how lame I must look in my walking attire. Basically I'm in gym shorts and a t-shirt but suddenly I felt like a total douche, Like I was out in day glow spandex and tube socks. My thoughts were interrupted when I thought I heard someone calling my name. I stopped, turned down the podcast again, took out one ear bud and listened...then 1 foot behind me I hear a loud, "BRRRRRRRP!!" I turn around and am completely startled to see a real life goat. I go to pet the goat, because what the hell else do you do in that situation, when I realize that this really isn't a very friendly goat. And I swear I'm not making this up...I get chased by the god damn goat. I run and I'm not fast, especially not goat fast, but this doesn't occur to me right away, right away I'm just thinking, "Why the fuck is there a goat chasing me?!?" Then I slow down and think..."Wait...why am I running from a goat?" I stop turn around and the goat stops as well. I yell at him but the best I can come up with is, "BAD GOAT!" He looks at me for a second, yells back, "BRRRRRRRP" then lowers his head and starts eating the grass. At this moment I decide that my neighborhood has gone to hell and it's just to rough to be going out for walks at 3pm on a Friday. So I walk home and about 4 blocks from my house I see an old man in his rascal scooter sitting in the shade of a tree and I wonder what he's doing until I see on the other side of the street there are two completely naked kids running through a sprinkler. I then start thinking that I must be in some sort of Wes Anderson movie when the that neighborhood Chihuahua runs up and starts barking at me. I explain to him that I just got in a fight with a goat and that he is just wasting his time, but he doesn't listen and barks while chasing me all the way to my house and waits in my driveway until I come out and give him a piece of lunch meat.
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