Today I woke up at 7:30. I keep thinking I'm over this sinus infection thing but it keeps reminding me I'm not. Last night I was tossing and turning most the night and woke up in a puddle of sweat...sexy. I stumbled to the bathroom and blew my nose and a black mess came out. Normally I would be concerned but I was just like, "Eh...whatevs." I then glanced in the mirror and thought, "Even with the droopy eye and the messy sweaty bed hair I still look pretty good" Then a stream of blood poured...SHOT from my nose. It was actually coming out in squirts. Not just drips...streams! So I did what anyone one would do...I changed shirts and went back to bed. The end result is that today I think I feel better than yesterday. I have noticed that come nighttime I tend to start feeling worse but I can tell today is going to be different.
After diligently reading medical files I decided to try once again to search the internet for job opportunities. The first job I came across was for $75 dollars and the only requirement was the ability to "Stand still and look attractive." I have half of that down! There was also a job for a Marketing Ninja. I've been telling people for years that I'm a ninja so I think that gives me a leg up on the competition. The last one I applied for was to be a Repoman. I'm pretty sure I'll get shot on the job so that will be fun. Also if I don't start making some money I might get to Repo my own car...that's gonna be awkward.
Of course after filling out a few applications my mind starts to wander. I read a few random articles on wikipedia...typed in a few symptoms I'm having at WebMD so that I can be paranoid about what diseases I may have but not know it yet. Things I haven't yet ruled out having, "Blue Skinned Disease" which you get from excessive inbreeding and an enzyme deficiency. "Walking Corpse Syndrome" Where you are alive but for some reason you really believe yourself to be dead. When I was little I used to think I could turn invisible by shutting my eyes but I don't think that has anything to do with this.
After that I went to craigslist and looked at their jobs. Then to cheer myself up I went to the personals section in the missed connections section. I wish craigslist had a comments section because I'd be the jackass that read through them making fun of every one.
Like this one: Blond stud with sunburned back and shoulders drying off after shower this morning(Thursday). Thanks for the show. I was in the corner about to hit the showers. Hit me up if you would like to meet outside the gym.
Hooray me! Not the creepiest person on the Internet! I'd like to know how many times those things work and if just to randoms end up getting together. Either way people are f'd up.
Anyways what a guy should do is think of something worth saying before he writes a blog...I think I"ll try that tomorrow.
word to your motha,
D
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
feelin fine
My last blog was May 13th and it was about me being ill. Do the kids still say illin? I know I do. Anyway it’s now the 25th and guess what…I’m still feelin the effects. I don’t get sick that often and when I do it usually lasts like three days but this is getting redonkulous. Yeah I said redonkulous…deal with it. It’s not that I caught the cold of the century or anything it’s just that my worse than average cold turned into a TERRRRRRRRRIBLE sinus infection. I’ve never had a sinus infection. I guess it’s my own fault for ignoring my sinuses all these years. Like everyone else about once a week I think good thoughts to different parts of my body. Just normal things like, “Hello toenails, please don’t become ingrown.” Or, “Good day brain, you sure are lookin’ tumorless today!” I guess my sinuses have become bitter and jealous and are acting out in the only way they know how.
It’s really kind of a gross mess. About once every hour I blow my nose and this giant coagulated bloody mess is exuded from my sinus. I feel good for about 5 minutes after that and slowly the pressure builds. The worst part is that doing things makes it worse and I really do try to pretend that I’m fine. But every movement and change of position feels like someone is squeezing my skull. Have you ever seen those old Popeye cartoons where Bluto puts him in a bear hug and squeezes and then Popeye’s head swells up and becomes red and then purple and then turns into a turnip? It feels like that. Also, now that I’m on the subject of Popeye I have a few things to say. First why a turnip? Secondly…Olive Oyl? Really? Could there be a more annoying damsel in distress? I kind of feel Bluto could do better and if he really won Olive Oyl from Popeye he’d see that. By far the best character was the guy that just randomly walked around finding hamburgers the entire time. I think his name was Wimpy…and I think I just figured out my Halloween costume!
Anyway back to more pleasant talk about snot. My sinuses are the clown car of sinuses. The amount of expellant that has come from there is not possible by the laws of man. I am convinced there is a tiny little wormhole in my sinus that leads to another dimension that is filled with snot. That’s not really the bad part, the bad part is the headache that comes with it. Randomly the right side of my head starts to hurt. I feel like my right eye is either popping out or drooping…or both…don’t argue with me. My ears are plugged so everyone that talks to me sounds like a whale…again don’t argue. And just when I’m walking around and feeling like things are going good the slightest breeze will strike my eye and I start crying like I ate the best burger ever. I don’t know how good a burger has to taste in order for it to bring a tear to my eye but I do know that it’s topped with bacon.
Truthfully each day since Saturday I’m feeling slightly better and pretty much able to function. I can’t workout or anything because it would be hell but I am able to stay awake most the day. Except when I decide to take these pills my brother has…they put me right out.
Until next time,
D
It’s really kind of a gross mess. About once every hour I blow my nose and this giant coagulated bloody mess is exuded from my sinus. I feel good for about 5 minutes after that and slowly the pressure builds. The worst part is that doing things makes it worse and I really do try to pretend that I’m fine. But every movement and change of position feels like someone is squeezing my skull. Have you ever seen those old Popeye cartoons where Bluto puts him in a bear hug and squeezes and then Popeye’s head swells up and becomes red and then purple and then turns into a turnip? It feels like that. Also, now that I’m on the subject of Popeye I have a few things to say. First why a turnip? Secondly…Olive Oyl? Really? Could there be a more annoying damsel in distress? I kind of feel Bluto could do better and if he really won Olive Oyl from Popeye he’d see that. By far the best character was the guy that just randomly walked around finding hamburgers the entire time. I think his name was Wimpy…and I think I just figured out my Halloween costume!
Anyway back to more pleasant talk about snot. My sinuses are the clown car of sinuses. The amount of expellant that has come from there is not possible by the laws of man. I am convinced there is a tiny little wormhole in my sinus that leads to another dimension that is filled with snot. That’s not really the bad part, the bad part is the headache that comes with it. Randomly the right side of my head starts to hurt. I feel like my right eye is either popping out or drooping…or both…don’t argue with me. My ears are plugged so everyone that talks to me sounds like a whale…again don’t argue. And just when I’m walking around and feeling like things are going good the slightest breeze will strike my eye and I start crying like I ate the best burger ever. I don’t know how good a burger has to taste in order for it to bring a tear to my eye but I do know that it’s topped with bacon.
Truthfully each day since Saturday I’m feeling slightly better and pretty much able to function. I can’t workout or anything because it would be hell but I am able to stay awake most the day. Except when I decide to take these pills my brother has…they put me right out.
Until next time,
D
Thursday, May 13, 2010
down with the sickness
Sometimes to make the world think that I am human I get sick…today is one of those days. It’s a busy week for me and being sick is not in my agenda therefore I have petitioned the virus that is infecting my body for a stay of illness. I’ve filled out all the proper forms, had them notarized, and submitted them to the correct authorities…but you know bureaucrats…it’s going to take a few days before I feel better…yeah I can’t tell if that was clever or really lame either.
Even though I am a snarky jerk, I secretly try to look on the good side of things…it’s what keeps me from jumping off tall buildings. I try to think of being sick as a good opportunity for losing weight. It really is the ultimate weight loss plan. First off, I’m not really hungry…which means I am eating a normal amount of food. Then of course there is the fever. I figure that the elevated body temperature means my body is burning extra calories during those hours. That’s how it works right? Don’t argue with me I’m sick. Also coughing is the ultimate workout for your core. Throw away those electric waste bands and ab rollers! After a few good coughs you can really feel the burn. I think I’m going to start an infomercial. For $19.99 I’ll send you a jar I coughed in and if you order within the next 25 minutes I’ll throw in these suckers I sneezed all over for free! May be I can even get a celebrity to endorse my product. Like the George Forman grill or whatever the hell workout machine Chuck Norris was peddling back in the day. It’s too bad Billy Mays died…he’d be all over this.
Even though I am a snarky jerk, I secretly try to look on the good side of things…it’s what keeps me from jumping off tall buildings. I try to think of being sick as a good opportunity for losing weight. It really is the ultimate weight loss plan. First off, I’m not really hungry…which means I am eating a normal amount of food. Then of course there is the fever. I figure that the elevated body temperature means my body is burning extra calories during those hours. That’s how it works right? Don’t argue with me I’m sick. Also coughing is the ultimate workout for your core. Throw away those electric waste bands and ab rollers! After a few good coughs you can really feel the burn. I think I’m going to start an infomercial. For $19.99 I’ll send you a jar I coughed in and if you order within the next 25 minutes I’ll throw in these suckers I sneezed all over for free! May be I can even get a celebrity to endorse my product. Like the George Forman grill or whatever the hell workout machine Chuck Norris was peddling back in the day. It’s too bad Billy Mays died…he’d be all over this.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Why cat's go meow and other things I"m about to make up
These past few weeks I have been concentrating on finding a job IN Austin. Because well...I WANT! Here is the problem with trying to find a job...it's a lot of work. I fill out application after application and nobody ever calls...or writes. I feel like grandma stuck in a home.
Week one: I'm just going to fill out applications for jobs I think I'd be good at or ones that seem interesting. The standards are pretty high. I think I applied to be President of a rocket surgery company. It's week one and I'm feeling confident. Who wouldn't want me? I'm smart, friendly and I usually smell like beef jerky...pretty much the perfect candidate for any job.
Week two: The standards have dropped. Suddenly jobs that seemed beneath a man of my stature are seeming increasingly amazing. I'm almost able to convince myself of anything. Why yes being a bouncer at a bar would be a wonderful opportunity. Forget the fact that I have no ability to actually be a bouncer at a bar and that if an actual fight were to break out I would try to fix it by throwing women and children at them. Doesn't matter... It would leave me time during the daylight to do my real job and to pursue my life long dream of world domination by eating one hamburger at a time (I'm not going to get into details on how this happens...more of a big picture type of guy. Just know that eating enough hamburger will lead to me ruling the world, so you better be nice to me.) During this time I am forgiving jobs for not being interesting or worthwhile but focusing on ones that will lead to straight cash homie.
It is now Week 3 though...and Week 3 means the gloves are off. I'm applying for any job, anywhere. What's that you need someone with three years of diaper changing experience to take care of the elderly? I can lie about that...You need a nanny? I make a mean grilled cheese....you're kid is 10 months you say? I'll just put it in the blender...the grilled cheese, not the baby. I see you're hiring for ambulance drivers? Yeah sure I can make my resume say I'm EMT certified...how often do people really need to be rescued anyway? You want me to work fastfood? Why not...only on nights, weekends and holidays? Sure I'll say I'll do that...
Why I really need is a job that my talents will benefit. The problem is that my talents are pretty much as follows:
1. I have a great ability to be snarky and sarcastic. So much so that I sometimes have trouble figuring out whether I'm being genuine or not.
2. I have exceptionally blond hair. Not sure how this is a talent but I'm trying to work it in.
3. I can eat large amounts of meat. It's almost scary...my colon cries at night.
4. As you can see I can count to at least 4.
E. I am able to lift 20 lbs above my head.
I think I'm just going to run for office...
Week one: I'm just going to fill out applications for jobs I think I'd be good at or ones that seem interesting. The standards are pretty high. I think I applied to be President of a rocket surgery company. It's week one and I'm feeling confident. Who wouldn't want me? I'm smart, friendly and I usually smell like beef jerky...pretty much the perfect candidate for any job.
Week two: The standards have dropped. Suddenly jobs that seemed beneath a man of my stature are seeming increasingly amazing. I'm almost able to convince myself of anything. Why yes being a bouncer at a bar would be a wonderful opportunity. Forget the fact that I have no ability to actually be a bouncer at a bar and that if an actual fight were to break out I would try to fix it by throwing women and children at them. Doesn't matter... It would leave me time during the daylight to do my real job and to pursue my life long dream of world domination by eating one hamburger at a time (I'm not going to get into details on how this happens...more of a big picture type of guy. Just know that eating enough hamburger will lead to me ruling the world, so you better be nice to me.) During this time I am forgiving jobs for not being interesting or worthwhile but focusing on ones that will lead to straight cash homie.
It is now Week 3 though...and Week 3 means the gloves are off. I'm applying for any job, anywhere. What's that you need someone with three years of diaper changing experience to take care of the elderly? I can lie about that...You need a nanny? I make a mean grilled cheese....you're kid is 10 months you say? I'll just put it in the blender...the grilled cheese, not the baby. I see you're hiring for ambulance drivers? Yeah sure I can make my resume say I'm EMT certified...how often do people really need to be rescued anyway? You want me to work fastfood? Why not...only on nights, weekends and holidays? Sure I'll say I'll do that...
Why I really need is a job that my talents will benefit. The problem is that my talents are pretty much as follows:
1. I have a great ability to be snarky and sarcastic. So much so that I sometimes have trouble figuring out whether I'm being genuine or not.
2. I have exceptionally blond hair. Not sure how this is a talent but I'm trying to work it in.
3. I can eat large amounts of meat. It's almost scary...my colon cries at night.
4. As you can see I can count to at least 4.
E. I am able to lift 20 lbs above my head.
I think I'm just going to run for office...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
belly rub time machine
I've been living a double life as of late. Medical Transcription proofreader by day, hipster by night. Lately I've been making an attempt to have some sort of life outside of crying myself to sleep at night so I've taken to finding out what all Austin has to offer. I've been skewering the streets looking for a second job that pays actual money for my time and in an area where I meet people under the age of 85.
I guess I've never felt more of a country boy. Except I'm not into Cowboy hats and Budweiser. But I really don't understand much of the hipster scene here in Austin. The trend going around is "vintage" clothing. Apparently "vintage" means any T-shirt with a logo on it that's 10 years old and basically anything from the 90s. The weird thing about this is that if my dad were to walk the streets of Austin, he would be officially more hip than me. All of his clothes are vintage...and he smokes. 2 points.
What I have found is that I have a look. Which I'm actually kind of proud, seeing that I really haven't bought a new shirt in 2 years. My look is All-American. This is what this guy told me anyway. He said I have a very all american look. I have no idea what that means. It's not like I have a shirt made out of a flag and run around with sparklers in both hands. Although there is a guy like that in Austin. This guy also told me that in order to "perfect" my look I had to buy tighter shirts to show off my upper body and tighter pants...to show how I walk without bending my knees? I guess I'm just lost when it comes to fashion. Things I think look terrible, others think look great. I just wish they sold like big packages of outfits...and that they sold them at Best Buy. This would make shopping for clothes much easier for me. Also I went into the hipster vintage stores and while these clothes all look perfectly fine to me...well some of them have light stains which I guess only adds to the hipster image...it seems that people are over paying for them. I saw a shirt from a bar in Duluth called Mr. D's. I'm pretty sure if any of these hipsters had actually been to Mr. D's bar in Duluth, MN they would have known that in no way is this used 5-year-old t-shirt worth 20 bucks! Really how is wearing a t-shirt from a bar that smells like urine going to make me look cool?
Also when I stay at my friends house I walk around town trying to find good Internet for my work. Usually I end up at a little coffee shop on South Congress called "The Hideout." I really feel trendy when I'm in there and bust out my laptop. Sometimes people sing songs or say poems or make fools of themselves. I find it all very amusing. I really wish people snapped instead of clapped but apparently they are not as hipster as me. There are a lot of guys in turtlenecks and wire rimmed glasses and they wear those little hats that kind of go to the side. For some reason I always sing in my head, "Salt peanut, salt peanut" whenever I seem them.
Also in the bathroom you can write on the wall but apparently you have to have your own marker. There's a lot of people being dumb and some others trying to be smart, but my favorite is a little section that says :
Have you noticed that there must be a lot of curch groups meeting here?
Then below that is someone saying: It's spelled CHURCH. And a little arrow to curch.
Then below that my all time favorite: Your mom's spelled church.
I find this to be one of the funniest things I've ever read in the bathroom at a coffee shop.
peace,
D
I guess I've never felt more of a country boy. Except I'm not into Cowboy hats and Budweiser. But I really don't understand much of the hipster scene here in Austin. The trend going around is "vintage" clothing. Apparently "vintage" means any T-shirt with a logo on it that's 10 years old and basically anything from the 90s. The weird thing about this is that if my dad were to walk the streets of Austin, he would be officially more hip than me. All of his clothes are vintage...and he smokes. 2 points.
What I have found is that I have a look. Which I'm actually kind of proud, seeing that I really haven't bought a new shirt in 2 years. My look is All-American. This is what this guy told me anyway. He said I have a very all american look. I have no idea what that means. It's not like I have a shirt made out of a flag and run around with sparklers in both hands. Although there is a guy like that in Austin. This guy also told me that in order to "perfect" my look I had to buy tighter shirts to show off my upper body and tighter pants...to show how I walk without bending my knees? I guess I'm just lost when it comes to fashion. Things I think look terrible, others think look great. I just wish they sold like big packages of outfits...and that they sold them at Best Buy. This would make shopping for clothes much easier for me. Also I went into the hipster vintage stores and while these clothes all look perfectly fine to me...well some of them have light stains which I guess only adds to the hipster image...it seems that people are over paying for them. I saw a shirt from a bar in Duluth called Mr. D's. I'm pretty sure if any of these hipsters had actually been to Mr. D's bar in Duluth, MN they would have known that in no way is this used 5-year-old t-shirt worth 20 bucks! Really how is wearing a t-shirt from a bar that smells like urine going to make me look cool?
Also when I stay at my friends house I walk around town trying to find good Internet for my work. Usually I end up at a little coffee shop on South Congress called "The Hideout." I really feel trendy when I'm in there and bust out my laptop. Sometimes people sing songs or say poems or make fools of themselves. I find it all very amusing. I really wish people snapped instead of clapped but apparently they are not as hipster as me. There are a lot of guys in turtlenecks and wire rimmed glasses and they wear those little hats that kind of go to the side. For some reason I always sing in my head, "Salt peanut, salt peanut" whenever I seem them.
Also in the bathroom you can write on the wall but apparently you have to have your own marker. There's a lot of people being dumb and some others trying to be smart, but my favorite is a little section that says :
Have you noticed that there must be a lot of curch groups meeting here?
Then below that is someone saying: It's spelled CHURCH. And a little arrow to curch.
Then below that my all time favorite: Your mom's spelled church.
I find this to be one of the funniest things I've ever read in the bathroom at a coffee shop.
peace,
D
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