butta

When I get bored or frustrated or antsy I usually go for a walk. It's a very old man thing to do but when you live alone in a city where you know nobody, it's at least something. Every once in a while when I go for a walk strange things happen...like the time I was chased be a goat.
Today I was walking along listening to a podcast when in the distance I saw a man watering his lawn. I didn't really pay much attention but as I got closer I realized that he wasn't wearing any pants...even stranger he was wearing black dress socks, a white long sleeved button up shirt and a red tie. I spent the next hour trying to imagine a scenario where these would be an acceptable outcome. Did a sudden urge to water the lawn interrupt his dressing or undressing? May be he just forgot to put pants on? May be he has really nice pants, so nice that he didn't want to risk watering the lawn in them, but decided changing the shirt was unnecessary. But even then...who waters the lawn in socks? Socks are notorious for soaking up liquids. Barefoot or wearing shoes is always a must when using water. I wanted to ask him what the deal was, but I have a pretty strict rule of not talking to guys not wearing pants.
After the walk I decided to go to the grocery store and fill the up the ol' gas guzzler with some petrol. They have 432 million gas pumps at the gas station at the grocery store and of course every one of them had a 3 car line...and for some reason everyone seems to have a need to pay for their gas in cash. Who uses cash anymore?!!? This is not important, what is important was that I saw a Mexican man trying to fill up his Honda with diesel fuel. I am a hero of the people so I tried explaining to him that it wasn't the right kind of gas. Unfortunately he was a straight up Mexican dude and had no idea what I was saying. I tried the Spanish i remembered from high school but unfortunately I only know how to ask where the library is at and how to say calculator. I did famously get to use my library asking abilities here in Kyle when I met a man who didn't speak English and I was out walking around trying to find the library...but I still think it is one of the very worst phrases I could ever learn. Let's say I'm in Spain and for some very strange reason I need to find the library...I might as well be a blind man going to a strip club because there isn't a damn thing I"m going to be able to read....Anyway I'm trying desperately to get this guy to understand that the reason the pump doesn't fit in his gas tank is because it's not the right kind of gas, but he just stares at me. I even try the old stand by of talking louder and slower but he still isn't getting it...and then I swear I hear him say the words "blanco" and "diablo." Anyway I gassed up and left and I hope that guys car blew up.

Until next time,

D

Politics=MTVs Realworld

These last few weeks have legitimized my idea of completely separating my self from any politics. I used to read the political news daily and watched the news channels often...the best decision I ever made was to stop that. Basically CNN, FOX, CNBC, are equal to the E! channel. They are filled with old white men who act like 13 year old girls. They have no ability to see or report things without letting their emotions control their every world. They fight and bicker and I can not understand how anyone could ever even consider anything Bill O'Really, Keith Blatherman, or Sean Hammity can even be considered legitimate news. (you like those names, I came up with them on the fly...clever right?) All that being said the little girl attitude seems to have spilled into actual politician policy.
I used to think that politicians were just jackasses out for the easy dollar and power...now I wonder how our country is able to function.
First off...Politicians even considering taking time out of their day to formally recognize Michael Jackson is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. I don't even care if you think he's a child rapist or not...He's a freakin SINGER!! Do we really need take time out of a Senate or House meeting to recognize him...what could that possibly do for our country? They already waste enough time, don't give them any more reasons.
Secondly the whole Wilson outburst of "You lie!" Do I think Wilson was wrong. Yep. I like Obama. But Wilson, ok...he got carried away...it was immature and dumb and I'm pretty sure grade schools have better mannered student senates...That being said do the rest of the politicians do the mature thing and leave it alone? NO! They act like fuckin' drama queens from "The Hills" and make a huge deal out of it...get a life. Do they do their consulting with Perez Hilton? What happened to just being a man and dealing with actual issues. Did you notice that nobody actually talks about whether it was a lie or not, just that he had the nerve to interrupt his speech...politicians are such divas.
Now everyone is in an uproar over Obama saying Kanye acted like a jackass...Am I the only person who doesn't find this to be news? Doesn't everyone agree Kanye acted like a jackass? Doesn't Kanye act like a jackass on a daily basis? I love his music...if he offered to come to my house and throw a concert, fuck ya I'd let him...If he wanted to have dinner and discus the topics of the day though, I'd pass...well I'd still go just for the laughs. Still, is the president not allowed to have opinions about things? I'm pretty sure he likes and dislikes many things...who cares.

See politics angries up the blood...the world would be better if they made me king...this bill of rights thing is for pansies.

Done back blogin'

It's been a while since I wrote a true blue blog about my very exciting life. When we last left our hero he was writing words about video games for a little site called Bitmob. I've had a lot of positive response and have had my articles featured countless times...>1=countless. I still have conflicting thoughts on the matter because on one hand I do want to pursue a life of video game journalism and any practice I can get is appreciated, but on the other hand I have no avenue to report actual video game news so if you wanted to be crass you could say that I'm just some loser who sits at home writing his opinion about video games on the Internet...like a billion other losers...and on my third hand i remember that I'm an F'n stud and anything I do is golden. I really have enjoyed writing about games though. Truthfully I don't really write about actual games, more about geek culture. In my last featured article I made up a story about going golfing with 2 really old people and how it inspired me to think about the future and whether I would still be playing games...In reality none of it happened...don't tell.

Let's see what else is new...Oh I now have an automatic garage door opener. It's going to really come in handy when I have somewhere to go....For some dumb reason I can't ever remember that I have this little machine so when I get home I still get out of the car to open the door...SMRT.

I've also started a job at Target...My last attempt at a second job was not successful as I didn't want to hang out with criminals and morons...This one seems more promising. Target pays Zero dollars an hour and I'm not even sure that I come out ahead each day I have to drive into work, but I have succeeded at meeting real life people...no more cardboard cut outs for me. In fact I have invited a few of them over to my house tonight for a little get together. I'm slightly nervous that nobody shows up, and I'm even more nervous that only one person shows up and it's someone I didn't really want to come in the first place.

Still Target has been a relief so far. I actually enjoy going into work. It's a nice contrast to reading medical files and working on the computer. The store isn't open yet and really I've just been setting up shelves like slave labor, but it's a welcome break from walking back and forth from the fridge and the couch all day.

I also bought alcohol for the first time in my life for this party...It was a strange trip as I felt like I was breaking the law..then I felt a little sad that the guy behind the counter didn't even blink at the thought I might not be of age...Also it turns out I have no idea what people like to drink. Did you know there are over a billion different types of Vodka? I don't even know what you drink Vodka with? Chocolate milk? On a lighter note I did get carded trying to buy super glue at the grocery store. They even tried to deny me as I don't have a Texas license...I'm not really sure the reasoning behind carding people for products like Super Glue. Is there a database of known glue sniffers? What if I'm 17 and I need to glue something...do I really need to have my mom go into the store to get it? Also at what age does sniffing glue become legal? Anyway they sold me the glue so I guess that means it's legal for me to start sniffing it.

Until next time,

D

Finally a Plan...

I'm 27...I think. You ever can't remember how old you are? Anyway, I'm 27ish...14 in mind, 45 in body, and I finally have an idea of what I'd like to do with my life. I've never had an idea before. Graduating high school I didn't know what I wanted to be. I didn't even know what field...not an inkling. I knew plenty of things I didn't want to be...mainly everything. The only time I think I said what I wanted to be was when I was four and I wanted to be a garbage man...and if I don't do something soon, that may come true. So this last year I set one goal: Pick a god damn career. That was it, and now I'm done with 6 months to spare.

Here it is. I want to be a videogame journalist. Oh scoff now...I know you think games are a waste of time, therefor building a career around reviewing them is a waste of time, but I don't care. I'm probably not going to make a million dollars a year doing it. It's going to be almost impossible to get my foot in the door. I'll be working with and dealing with nerds all day...I don't care. It's what I want to do. I like playing games. I like writing...I can actually see myself spending my entire life doing this. So my plan now is to make some money...pay off some bills...go to school...and take every writing class that I can. Meanwhile I'm going to study the business as much as possible. I've already been researching for a few months and the more I researched the more it seems attainable. My only problem is that I'm going to be an old man in a young mans business. I joined a website that is frequented by current editors of videogame publications and I've been writing as much as possible about games. It's only been a week but so far the response has been pretty good...which is nice because I really have nothing to offer except my own opinions and observations...I would kill to have access to ANYONE that made games so I could pepper them for a story. Anyway I'd thought I'd share with you my plan. I might not be writing much on the ol' blog, so you won't be missing much when you don't read it.

RGIS is the devil...if the devil is fat and lazy

My love affair with RGIS has officially come to a close. I could no longer put up with the surreal situations that I found myself in. At first I was amused by the ridiculousness of the people, but after a while that amusement changed to contempt.
First there was Fred. Fred was by far my favorite person at RGIS. He's probably the only person I met there that I actually liked. Not that there aren't people there that I would like, it's just that the people I had direct contact with were mostly crazy or idiots. Fred and I had nothing in common, but still I like him. There are parts of Fred that are commendable. He's really friendly and I think most people can't help but like him. That being said Fred lives in his own little world. He has by my count at least 6 kids with 6 different ladies. He sees this as an accomplishment but doesn't feel any of the guilt of not being a part of their lives. He's been to prison, for 4 years, and is going back. I never really asked him about it, but one day I got the full story of why he's going back. It was 5:00 am, which in my head is not usually a time I am on the phone. Fred however is always on the phone. This particular morning he was on the phone with one of his babies mamas. I usually just tune him out, but this time something caught my ear. First you have to know that he was talking in a tone that I would talk to an old friend...like we were reminiscing about something funny that happened to us a few years ago. I'm sure you know the kind of story I'm talking about, a completely friendly and cheerful conversation. Except the tone of Fred's story didn't quite match the content as this is where I started listening:
You know I had to hit you, mama(he calls all ladies mama). You were coming at me with a knife, and I had nowhere else to go. You had that killa look in your eyes. *chuckles* You grabbed a knife from your kitchen and took three busses to get across town and came at me. That's why I like you, you crazy....
They then laughed about it for a while and continued:
You're mama called me and she straight up told me, "If you hurt my little girl, I'll kill you." I don't mess with your moms. Your daddy calls though and he's all, "Oh Denise she's crazy, you know how she gets." Your moms a gangsta bitch from Russia. *more chuckles*
Then he started talking about how she's not getting child support from a different kid she has. He's not mad that she makes him pay, in fact he goes on to talk about how fast she got the paper work through, but he's angry that the other guy doesn't have to pay. He then talked for a good five minutes about how he was going to kick that guys ass.
Then he starts telling her about what he did to be going back to prison. And again, he's saying it in a tone and cadence that I would use if I was telling you about the time I ate a sandwich.
I was over at this girls house and her boy came home and walked in on us. I threw his punk ass out of his own house. I sat by the door with a shotgun and my desert eagle on my lap. I told him if he had a problem with that he should come on back to his house. He said he didn't have a problem, but that his boys might. So he sends this Mexican dude over and I show him my gun and he all wants to talk and finally he says, "whoa this isn't worth dieing over." So then he calls me on the phone and he asks me, "Whatcha gonna do?" So I told him, "I'm going to strangle your wife and drown you kids in the tub." And I even told him, " I bet your punk ass has the police on the other line." So then 10 minutes later I hear a bunch of sirens and I look out the window and there are 8 squad cars in the cul-de-sac. I'm thinking, "What is going on in this neighborhood, there is something going down." So I go outside to see who's getting busted and wouldn't you know it, it's me getting busted! *chuckles* I told that cop, "You better not come around here anymore because I never forget a face." He said, "are you threatening me?" I said, "I never forget a face." He then said, "You have mental problems." Then we got to the store and I didn't hear anymore of the story. Next time I will talk briefly about Cheryl...she was a real gem of a lady.

Ever been chased by a petting zoo?

Today was another thrilling day of counting things at a gas station followed by intense hours of reading medical transcripts. Somehow I finished all my work by 2:30 and was thrilled to spend the rest of my day doing nothing. After about 5 minutes of doing nothing and 16 trips to the refrigerator I decided to hit up Sam's club for some bulk beef jerky and trailmix. After driving into Austin and back and realizing that somehow I ate a half pound of jerky during a 15 minute car ride I decided to go for a walk. So I strapped on my walking clothes, downloaded some podcasts, did a few toe touches and I was off...I made it about 3 feet before one of my bosses at RGIS called me to ask me about my schedule...again. This is the 4th time in the last week they have asked me about my schedule. The first time was the main boss in which I thought everything was figured out, the second time was again the main boss who apparently forgot we spoke 2 days prior, the third time was my "team leader" whom I've never met. She asked me the same questions and I went over all of it again with her. I'm not going to get into it but basically they keep scheduling me for day shifts and night shifts on the same damn days and wondering what the problem is. Anyway my "team leader" who I haven't met, for that matter I've never met my team, told me all about her 5 children and then asked me for a job at Austin Medical Company...I told her we'd put her application on file....So this fourth time, just as I'm about to enjoy my day I've pretty much had enough. Again it's the main boss and I'm not sure I want to quit so I try to be as pleasant as I can, which granted got less and less pleasant while we went through the steps of what was wrong with my schedule for the 90th time...Eventually I told her I'd email her...so I asked her email she gave it and I wrote off an email before I even left my neighborhood (got to love the iphone). To this email she replied, "I don't usually use this email. Please email me at ______" DID YOU NOT JUST FUCKING GIVE ME THIS EMAIL!?!?!?!?!? So I forward the same message to her other email and I'm not answering the phone again until Tuesday. Anyway I'm fuming now on my friendly walk. I"m powerwalking like I've never powerwalked before. I even over took the three ladies desperately trying to get to prebaby weight who are always out pushing thier kids in these giant offroad racing strollers. Then some asshole in a brand new 1984 Ford Rustbucket yells something out the passager window as they fly by going 50 in a 30. I of course stick out my middle finger and shout out asshole...I then realize that there is a little old lady weeding her garder not 5 feet from me. I felt ashamed for 10 seconds before I realized that the pickup truck was turning around and comingback. My first thought was oddly, "Ok jerkass, you better hope you have a gun because if you don't one of us is going to get curb stomped." My second more sane though was, "Oh fuck what if he has a gun?!?!" I look to Gertrude for backup but since she seems to be a hundred and three and offended that I swore in front of her Chrysanthemums I don't think she's going to be any help. Then the truck passes by swings around again and pulls right up to me. I set one hand on my pocketknife and turned the volume down on my iphone and got ready for a tussle. The guy rolls down his window and says, "Yeah sorry about that, my friend is a moron. Do you know how to get to downtown Kyle from here?" I say in the friendliest voice I can muster, "Oh no problem! Just follow this road until you reach a stop sign and take a left...you can't miss it." He thanked me and took off. Then Gertrude says, "That's not how you get to downtown Kyle..." To which I say, "I know."

Needless to say I was feeling pre-tty badasssssss in that moment. I strutted my stuff for a good mile before it dawned on me that it's really hard too look cool when you're a grown man out for a walk. I already accepted that a grown man can't look cool riding a bicycle, no matter how many racing stripes he has on it, but until then I hadn't considered how lame I must look in my walking attire. Basically I'm in gym shorts and a t-shirt but suddenly I felt like a total douche, Like I was out in day glow spandex and tube socks. My thoughts were interrupted when I thought I heard someone calling my name. I stopped, turned down the podcast again, took out one ear bud and listened...then 1 foot behind me I hear a loud, "BRRRRRRRP!!" I turn around and am completely startled to see a real life goat. I go to pet the goat, because what the hell else do you do in that situation, when I realize that this really isn't a very friendly goat. And I swear I'm not making this up...I get chased by the god damn goat. I run and I'm not fast, especially not goat fast, but this doesn't occur to me right away, right away I'm just thinking, "Why the fuck is there a goat chasing me?!?" Then I slow down and think..."Wait...why am I running from a goat?" I stop turn around and the goat stops as well. I yell at him but the best I can come up with is, "BAD GOAT!" He looks at me for a second, yells back, "BRRRRRRRP" then lowers his head and starts eating the grass. At this moment I decide that my neighborhood has gone to hell and it's just to rough to be going out for walks at 3pm on a Friday. So I walk home and about 4 blocks from my house I see an old man in his rascal scooter sitting in the shade of a tree and I wonder what he's doing until I see on the other side of the street there are two completely naked kids running through a sprinkler. I then start thinking that I must be in some sort of Wes Anderson movie when the that neighborhood Chihuahua runs up and starts barking at me. I explain to him that I just got in a fight with a goat and that he is just wasting his time, but he doesn't listen and barks while chasing me all the way to my house and waits in my driveway until I come out and give him a piece of lunch meat.

Word Up G

First an update on my friend Fred. Besides trying to touch random vehicles he also is a rapper and has his own album. And to my own surprise I'm a little excited about it. I have no idea what he is saying in his songs and I think they took some of the beats from hit songs, but I'm still oddly impressed with Fred. I found out this information when we were eating tacos at some little dive, and he was in love with our waitress, so he gave her his card and introduced himself as a rapper. My first thought was, "Smoooooth." Saying you're a rapper, even if you're terrible, is still an improvement over saying you do auditing for gas stations. My second thought was wondering if that makes me a part of his crew? I hope I get to pick out the gang colors if I am...I have a lot of blue shirts so it will probably be centered around that. Anyway click here to hear Fred spit hot fire.

Today i spent a lot of time in a car day dreaming when I decided that my problem with writing is that I'm really good at thinking up titles but not good at writing a story that goes along with them. Today I thought of the book title, "The Truth About Mustard." It sounds pretty artsy, I'd probably never read that book, but still I really like the title. So I started trying to think of a story that would go along with the title and all I came up with was something about Ketchup spreading dirty lies in a smear campaign against mustard...it is pretty riveting.

Then I thought of a good song title, "No Postage Necessary." Pretty good right? But then I quickly realized that "necessary" is a really hard word to rhyme. May be I should ask Fred?

Adventures with Fred

So lately I've been carpooling with the two guys I started working with. I had been driving everywhere we worked but since we sometimes drive over 70 miles a day I decided it was time to bite the bullet. Chris (the white guy) and Fred (the black guy) sit in the front and talk and I sit in the back trying desperately to pretend that I'm somewhere else. Today though I realized that it's like watching a TV show, which I've called "Adventures with Fred." Fred is definitely one of the most interesting people I've ever met. For one, he talks non stop from the moment we get in the car until the moment we get out. Usually the car rides break down like this: First thing he does in the morning is starts talking about the movie he saw the night before. Last night he apparently saw Blades of Glory and I have to say that having Fred recite it to me was way better than actually seeing the movie in person. After that he started talking about how he wants to live in Nevada because he get pick up prostitutes and they'll only give him a ticket (since he saw that happen on cops.) Then Fred asks me, "Have you been in prison?" I respond, "Uh, no Fred. I haven't been in prison." Fred reacts like this is the most amazing thing he has ever heard...here I am 26 and haven't even been in prison 1 time. He keeps saying, "For REAL? Not even once?!?" "No, Fred...not once." Just then he sees a buzzard eating a raccoon and he rolls down the window and yells, 'HEY YO FALCON! LET THAT RACCOON DIE IN PEACE!" Then he sees a lady mowing the lawn and he yells, "THAT's RIGHT MAMA. YOU MOW THAT LAWN! THAT AIN'T NO MAN'S JOB!" The next block there is a dude and he yells, "YOU GONNA LET YOUR GIRL MOW THE LAWN!?!?" Then in the next breath he says, "Man I want half the worlds children to be mine." Then in a girls voice, "I want a boy" "BAM!!" and he does a little hip thrust. "I want twin girls!" "BAM! BAM" thrust thrust. "I want quadruplets!!" "BAM! BAM! BAM!" Thrust, thrust, thrust...
Then he turns around, "Have you ever even been arrested?"

No Fred....

Monyay

I'm officially one week into my new wonderful second job and since it's really the only new thing I have to talk about I'm going to give you all the juicy details. First off, I'm taking inventory...mystery over. Basically I go around to different businesses and count their things for them. So I now not only read medical files all day, I also count things too...I'm a complete package ladies. Anyway at first I pretty much hated my new job. The entire airport ordeal made me want to run around the terminal yelling, "Bomb! Bomb!" I was going to quit until I was asked to take up a new job counting things at gas stations...I know what you're thinking...glamorous. And you'd be right. I actually like it a lot better than before. I basically will be working with the same two guys 5 days a week, and the nice thing is that I like working with them. We probably won't be hanging out after work, but they are not stupid, jerks, or annoying, or lazy, and are good at what they do, which pretty much makes them 2 of the best people I've met at RGIS. Of course we have completely different personalities. I show up to work with a clean shirt tucked into my khaki dockers everyday and they make fun of me. They also smoke and are pretty crude and racist, but not really racist, they just have more a "shock humor" personality. One of them is a black guy named Frank and the other is a white guy named Chris. I don't know what the black guy is saying 95% of the time but he knows the price of every item in every store and it saves me a lot of time. He also calls every girl, "Mama" which I find hilarious, and every ten minutes he's checking some other girl out. The white guy tells a lot of stories about how he owns a lot of guns and how he's going to shoot a variety of things, including people...I sometimes complain about how hot it is...basically that is our social interaction. They remind me a little of the guys that I worked with at Vermilion Houseboats so I consider them all good people. The one draw back is that I have to get up way earlier than I've ever wanted to in my life. Usually I wasn't going to bed by the time I now have to get up. But that also means that we are done with enough time for me to read my medical files...yay.

Bad day, gone bad...

So I've started my new mystery job...and I've decided I'm not going to tell you what it is...it's like a magic trick, wanting to know is the good part and once you know it's nothing...Oh the mystery is killing you right now isn't it!

Anyway my new job involves me going around to a lot of places. The second place I worked was the airport and I am never going to work at the airport again. First off I carpooled with a lady who got lost on the way there because she KNEW a short cut so I spent a good hour longer in her car listening to her yammer about whatever it is that morons yammer about. Then I spent an hour again not being paid waiting for the security people to give me a sticker saying i"m not a terrorist. The work was fine as long and I'm still learning but it's easy work and the day flew bye. After that i was told that the lady I carpooled with wasn't ready to leave yet so I had to catch a ride home with some other stranger....First we had to find some Lady's purse in some other ladies car. Of course that lady couldn't remember what the car looked like so we walked around until she found it. She also happens to be the worlds slowest walker and apparently she wasn't in any hurry to leave the damn parking garage. Did I mention it happens to be 100 degrees outside and muggy? Well have now. So after finding little miss Sunshine's purse the lady who is going to drive us remembers that she doesn't know where she parked...she doesn't know what floor or anything. She just tells me, it's a green van and I parked on the left side. I ask her if she means the left side when walking east or the left side when walking west...she responds, "I don't know." So I walk around for a half and hour looking for a green van. Of course I find at least 10 green vans but we've all split up to find the van with no way of telling each other we found it. By this time I'm hot sweaty and thinking that these have to be the dumbest people I've ever met in my entire life. Finally I just give up and wait by the exit when the lady walks by saying she hasn't found her car yet but she'll pick me up if she does...I wait another half an hour and eventually everyone finds me and waits with me and finally the lady pulls up in her BLUE van. She then tells me that she just moved here last June and doesn't know how to get back to where we parked our cars...so I drive her van....smartest decision she ever made.


Anyway I'm a little grumpy today so I"m just going to keep complaining. I was moved to a new group for my new job. They've been looking for someone new that wasn't retarded and I fit the bill. So now I'm going to be driving around to gas stations across central Texas. The nice thing is that I make more money and I have a set schedule. The bad thing is that I now have to get up at 3 or 4 in the morning and then sometimes work at night as well.

But let me tell you about my day...I got up early went to work and then went to the dentist. You see I chipped a tooth and apparently it costs 1100 dollars to have it fixed...so I did that. I was not happy about it. What I don't like is that there is no way of knowing whether I needed that much work or not. Last time they just patched it up and one of the patches fell off so I assumed they'd just patch it again...But they wanted to put a crown on it. So now my completely painless tooth with a chip in it, is all fixed and hurts like a BITCH! So I leave the dentist, angry, poor, and the entire side of my face numb and drooling. I'm backing out of my spot when some dumb lady comes flying in her 1995 Honda POS and stops right behind me. I have to slam on my brakes which then causes my cellphone to scoot off it's perch and lands right into my cup of water...Good bye iphone. So then I went and bought a new Iphone...and I find out that I'm going to have to pay 10 dollars more and they charged me 18 dollars for a one time upgrade fee...I was a complete ass to the man behind the counter over that 18 dollars but I don't think he understood a word I said as the side of my face was still numb and slobbery...

Then to really cap off my day I was driving back to my house on the free way stuck behind some dumb ass in the smallest Toyota pickup I've seen. He had a Viva Spurs sticker in his window (which made me mad enough) and he was going 55 mph in the fast lane of the free way.

There, I feel better...

i still hate you.

mo' money mo' problems.

Yesterday I started a second job. Moving to Texas has been expensive and I like buying things. I had two options, I could cut back on things or I could make more money. I also have been living here for 7 months and really haven't met anyone that I didn't know before that I hang out with on a consistent basis. I felt that a new career was the way to go. I've been looking for a while and couldn't find any jobs that paid as well as the one I have. So I lowered my expectations and decided I would find a second job to complement my current job. Slowly I realized that a second job that meets my requirements was going to be hard to find. Finally I found this new job. When I signed up for it online I had really no idea what I was signing up for. I knew the amount of money they were offering and that the hours were going to be flexible enough where I could work it around my current job. So over a week ago I went in for an interview. Strangely the interview was at JCPenney's even though I wasn't going to be working for JcPenney's. I assumed that this JcPenney's had some sort of attached offices, but after walking around I realized that it was just a regular JCPenney's. I asked a few clerks who looked at me as if I was retarded and then I decided I would just go sit by the one door I found that said "Personal Only." It was the only door that didn't lead outside or into the back storage. There were also chairs out front so I assumed it was my best bet. Unfortunately it was right next to the bathrooms, so there I sat for 20 minutes staring at the people come in and out of the bathroom. My interview was at 5:30 and now it was 5:40 so just when I decided that I was going to give them 5 more minutes someone walked by and asked if I was here for the interview. So then we went into the meeting room where she said that it was going to be a group interview but I was so far the only person to show up. We waited while a few others arrived and then she said we would start and the others could catch up if they arrived. She then handed us a sheet a paper about the company and read it to us. Afterwards she asked if we had any questions and just then two others arrived. It was at this moment I had my first "uhoh" thought. I looked around the room. Next to me was a man and his girlfriend. He was wearing twelve gold and silver rings and had a gold tooth and looked slightly like Eddie Griffin. He was kind of funny so I guess that's what reminded me of Eddie Griffin...then again I've never thought Eddie Griffin was funny...I dunno. Anyway he's wearing that, his girlfriend is wearing jeans and a shirt, the guy next to her has a t-shirt jean combo, the lady next to him is wearing a polo shirt and jeans, and the interviewer is wearing a polo shirt and khaki's which is apparently the recommend garb. Then there is me. I'm wearing shiny black shoes, black Gucci dress pants, tucked in Eddie Bauer collared shirt, and my hairs all slicked up. When I went there I was thinking, "I am one good looking man." at that moment however I was thinking, "I look like I'm selling timeshares." I had debated whether I needed a tie or not and I'm glad I decided against it. We then started the one on one interviews, which took place outside the meeting room in the hallway...standing. We each took turns and I volunteered to go first as I'm such a brave man. The one on one interview took about 3 minutes. She asked me if I had a car and if I could work weekends...interview over. I then sat in the meeting room while the other interviews went on. Most took for some reason around 10 minutes, but one lady took 20 minutes. Afterwards she gave us some paperwork which we were to take home but I had filled out before she finished reading to us once again. She then told us to look for an email or phone call stating when our training would be. And that was that...I was hired. It was a strange interview, but so far the people I've met seem really nice.

Fun times for fun people...fun

I keep reading in the news that there is an outbreak of swine flu going around. And I really can't think of a more unfortunate title for an epidemic. I mean not only would you have some sort of terrible disease but you would have to tell people you have a case of the "swine flu." You know they went through the names and rejected "pig flu" and "hog flu" finally settling on the dignified "swine flu." I guess the symptoms are like the regular flu accompanied by uncontrollable oinking. (rim shot) I am however doing my part as a humanitarian to fight this disease by eating as much bacon as possible. My logic is simple; if there are no swine, there can be no swine flu.

Another item I saw in the news is that there was the first ever same sex marriage in Iowa. I'm all for same sex marriage and equality. I like that there are people different than me and have no malice towards others...really the nice think about equality is that someday I'd be able to make fun of people without looking like a bigot. That being said in my head they are all equal already so let me start making fun of the first lesbian couple in Iowa.

Here they are...Mrs and Mrs Pacman just after getting married. I dunno. I'm a jerk, and I accept this. But these two ladies are the face of gay marriage in Iowa...and now they are going to celebrate by going to Arby's. You would of thought they would of put a little more effort into getting ready. And while I have conflicting thoughts about their privacy and how they obviously didn't want their picture taken, I would of thought they'd of had a little more pride in this achievement....someone get them a bedazzler.

Shermer twins activate

Last weekend was another busy weekend for me. By "another busy weekend" I of course mean it was the second busy weekend I have ever had. The Shermer girls came to visit and it was a splendid time. It was a short visit and I think we got a lot done in that amount of time. The highlight of the weekend of course being the "First Annual Wiffleball Tournament Extravaganza." I gathered some friends, told them to meet at the park and to bring me food and we had a good time. The nice thing about having old friends meet new friends is that I can make up things about them and tell them that it's true. Really you have to stick with it, and it's not funny to anyone but me, but who really else matters? For instance I spend a good 15 minutes telling my Texas friends that the Shermers were actually named Shermans. I did this by saying things like, "Yes I lived with the Shermans when I was in Duluth." And, "I knew the Shermans from High School." And, "Don't ask them if they make tanks, they hear it all the time." So then it comes time to eat and someone says, "Get over here Shermans it's time to eat." Then the two groups merge and they start chatting and I get to see Christie's reaction as she thinks of how to politely say that her last name isn't Sherman...I guess you had to be there.

Anyway the wiffleball game started with me and the Shermans getting to the park early. It's a private park in the neighborhood my brother lives in and I've never seen anyone else there since I first started going there. That day though, the one day I plan an event, there happens to be a family reunion of some sort going on. They are hogging the two tables and grills, but luckily they just seem to be happy sitting and the field is left untouched. Christie, Amy, and I try to get a few swings in at the wiffleball before the rest of the group arrives, but that doesn't last long until one of local punk kids comes up and challenges us to a game. I of course except and seeing how he is about 65lbs and 13 yrs old I instantly start trash talking. We start playing and I can tell that my incredibly witty banter is wearing them down. Try as they might to trash talk back, they are no match for me and my 5th grade reading level. That's until one of them calls me an Oscar Meyer Wiener...which eventually leads to Jimmy Dean Sausage, which eventually leads to Beef Jerky...I am no match for a little man that knows his meats so well. Unfortunately for him I thrive on meat, so I really took it as a complement...plus I was wearing Jack Link's aftershave.

Me and the Shermans did other things as well. We went on a short hike (or according to Denise a long hike) with Todd and Denise and their troupe of dogs. We also spent most of Friday in traffic, which is always fun, and on Sunday Bonnie made us Easter Lunch. All in all I believe the trip was a success and the Shermans fear of visiting was proved unwarranted. We ate a lot of good Texan food, played some games, and I dominated them all at mini golf. Now Christie is off to Africa and Amy to Angora...I don't know who has it worse.
Thanks for coming...

Me striking out Christie

Amy and Denise were lucky enough to stand next to me

It took us hours but Hulu Hut was worth every minute

Movie time

I don't particularly like going to the theater and probably only go one time a year. I do however like movies and buy a fair amount of them. Most of the time I know nothing about the movie I am buying besides what the cover looks like. And you might not be able to judge a book by it's cover but you pretty much can sum up a movie by its. All the info you need is right there. They usually have the names of the top stars and a picture or graphic that displays the type of movie you would be watching. Put together the title with the art and who's in it and you can actually get a pretty good idea of what you're about to see. It won't tell you if you're going to like what you're about to watch, but you get an idea of what it is. If I'm really feeling like putting a lot of work into it I'll read the back. You can usually tell if the movie is going to be crap by how awesome they try to make it sound. Luckily for me I don't care if the movie is bad, I just like watching them regardless...well at least once. Anyway my plan is not fool proof but I've found it far more reliable than critics or even what others are saying. I still think two of the most over rated movies of all time are "Mulhullond Drive" and "Lost in Translation." "Lost in Translation" is pretty boring. And I understand that Bill Murry isn't suppose to be funny in it and that is the entire point, but what I don't understand is how this makes it good. Nothing happens...there's a lot silence and shots of him sitting on the couch looking sad and bored...it's pretty much like looking into a mirror as I watch the movie. I guess I don't think movies are good just because they are "artsy" in the same way I refuse to say that caviar is better than a hamburger...people will believe anything if they think it makes them a better person. "Mullhullond Drive" on the other hand makes no sense at all. It's not that it's confusing and I'm not clever enough to put it together...it's that it doesn't make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong about these type of movies. May be it's that I'm an idiot and I only like movies that I understand. That these movies are made for me to understand and are wrapped in a coating of mystery so that I still feel smart for figuring it out. Or may be that is what movies are suppose to do...having a movie that has no plot or rhythm that you can follow is just bad film making.

That being said last night I watched "The Prestige" starring Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale. I bought it a long time ago and I remember liking it, but after last night I am going to have to say it's one of my favorites. It has a little twist at the end, which I think (no matter how corny) makes for a great movie. So I'm adding it to my favorites list. Here is my list, not in any order mind you, just a list of movies I really like:

1. The Fall
My favorite Movie I watched last year. The colors and sound are great and the little girl is adorable...not like that harlot in Little Miss Sunshine

2. The Terminal
Few would agree but it's pretty good. I like the idea of a man without a country having to live in the airport and even though the way he makes a living seems unrealistic it has a lot of charm...plus Tom Hanks is great.

3. O' Brother Where Art Thou?
I like mythology and I think using Homer's Odyssey in this way was really clever. Plus the songs are catchy.

4. Catch me if you can
I like a good caper movie. It's fun and smart and I could watch it multiple times.

5. Forrest Gump
Everybody likes an underdog hero even if he is fictitious. Again Tom Hanks is good and I just realized he's in a lot of the movies I really like...still it's a classic.

6. Cinderella man
Another underdog story.

7. Shawshank Redemption
Another great ending movie. First movie I can remember ever REALLY liking.

8. Misery
Cathy Bates is crazy good in this one. It's the oldest on my list but it really holds up.

9. The Prestige


So those are my favorite favorites

Madness I say!

Today must be some kind of Mexican Holiday...or some reason my neighbor across the street is blaring what can only be described as Mexican Polka. It seems to be enchanted in that no matter what room of the house I go to the music gets louder. The barking of one of my other neighbors dogs is the only thing that seems to drown it out. Unfortunately I need to hear some of the audio files for work so I can't just stuff my ears full of cotton. Also today randomly my "f" key has stopped working correctly. Almost every time I type a word with the letter "f" it doesn't register and I have to go back and do it again. It's rustrating....see.
Anyway it is Friday but this week was a blur as I was ill most of it. That's good and bad. Yesterday I went to the gym after not going for over 4 days. It seemed like a lifetime. I just did cardio and I had that weird kind of cold sweat that accompanies a workout when you're still semi sick. Also the night before I ate a bunch of asparagus and I swear that my sweat smelled like it at the gym...and I sweat a lot when I run at the gym...it's pretty embarrassing because when I'm finished I look like I entered the worlds worst wet t-shirt contest. To make matters worse the one girl under 40 who is actually quite attractive was there at the same time running next to me. I'm sure if you read her blog it will be about how "Sweaty Guy" is now called "Sweaty Asparagus Guy."
This weekend I have a birthday party to go to, and next week the Shermers come to Texas. I just realized this week that they will be here for Easter. I'm thinking we can have ham and cheese sandwiches.
Also an update on the "The Worlds Worst Personal Trainer." If you've been reading my blog religiously, first off I'm sorry, secondly you'd know my story about the big guy who ordered pizza at the gym. Well I haven't seen him or the two ladies around now for over a month so either they are working out at different times or they reached their target weight.

illin'

I've been ill this past week. I don't remember when the last time I was sick but it's kind of like going on a really bad vacation. I have the strangest dreams when I'm sick, probably due to the fever. On Sunday I was having dreams that my pillows and my blankets were competing companies putting up bids for clearing my sinuses. I really can't make this up...when I woke up I was lucid enough to realize how ridiculous it all was. I was tossing and turning all night trying to keep my nose clear so I could breath. I don't know if everyone is like me but when my nose and sinuses are clogged I can roll on side and my top nostril will then clear. The pressure then builds in my lower sinus and I have to eventually roll over to the other side. Then once again the top nostril clears and the lower gets clogged. Somehow this all translated to an all out corporate war between pillows and blankets. I think it also had to do with the fact that it was roasting hot in the house but I was still freezing...I imagine that is how most girls feel all the time. Being sick is not a lot of fun but it did allow me to watch a lot of TV and not feel like a slob....and I mean a lot of TV. Luckily on Monday I only had to suffer through 4 hours of work, and the rest of the day was spent watching TV and sleeping. While I was sick I watched 2 whole seasons of American Chopper on Netflix on the Xbox. I've seen a lot of the later episodes and I find it strangely enthralling. I've never ridden a motorcycle and I don't usually like a lot of unnecessary drama but it's an interesting show none the less. It really is incredible to see how far they have come in a short amount of time. Their first shop was about the size of my kitchen and now they have a building about the size of my neighborhood.
I also caught up on a lot of the shows I had Tivo'd. I watched a few episodes of The Office and 30 Rock. I really do think 30 Rock is the funniest show on television. It's so smart without trying to prove how smart it is. I hope more people watch it so it stays around.
It's not done there though. I also started watching a show called Life on Mars and I was pleasantly surprised. It's an odd mix. It looks and sometimes feels like a 70s cop drama, but mixed in is a weird dose of tiny robots and time travel. I started in the middle of the season so I'm a little lost but I have the feeling it's one of those shows that keeps you a little lost...like Lost. I like those types of shows as they let me think about what's going on.
Since I'm talking about television I feel I should mention the show Damages on FX. I haven't' watched any of the second season but I did watch the first on Netflix a while ago and I just have to say it was maybe the best television season I've ever seen. It was so good and they even set up a second season in a way that didn't ruin the end of the first. When I meet people who tell me they don't watch television I am going to tell them to watch Damages Season 1 and then tell me TV isn't any good.
You might think I can't possibly have more TV to talk about but you would be wrong. I've really been gorging on media this last month. Besides the working and working out it's what I've been doing. I've been watching Reaper from Netflix. I like it. It's times like these that I wish I could think of better things to say than, "I like it." I don't think my choice of vocabulary is helping to dispel the myth that TV rots your brain. May be if I described them like you would a glass of wine. I would describe Reaper as light and fruity with an oaky aftertaste....
Last night I discovered another Gem of a show. Hank Haney is teaching Charles Barkley how to swing a golf club. If you've ever seen him swing you'd know he has the worst swing in the history of golf. Here is a link to it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s50K65PNeBU
Anyway as you can see it's terrible and people laugh. I never thought about it until I watched the show but Charles gets a lot of grief for it. Charles is a pretty good guy and when you watch the show you see how friendly he is and honestly good natured. I don't think I could ever be that friendly. Anyway you really see how much it bothers him that his swing is bad. Apparently he used to shoot in the 80s which is pretty good and somehow he has come to this swing. Now imagine you are one of the greatest basketball players of all time. You're a huge celebrity when it comes to sports and probably the most popular retired basketball player. You've won gold medals in the Olympics you played in the finals and been MVP of the league. You can sink a free throw to win the game with 30,000 people yelling at you, and every time you go on the golf course every little piss ant Tiger Woods wanna be laughs at you. I could take it. He plays a lot o golf and draws a big crowd at celebrity tournaments...and people laugh at every shot because they thinks he's a joke...That's got to be tough. The weird thing is that on the show he does fine on the range, but as soon as he's on the course he goes back to the weird herky jerky shot. It's like his swing has a speech impediment.

Great Advice

Today I was watching my Tivo'd Jimmy Kimmel live when the flood advisory from last night came across the screen. I didn't pay much attention to it as the flood was last night and I was still on dry land...but I did catch one phrase that struck me as great advice when facing a flood.

My life as a dog

I am dog sitting again for the week. I was making myself a little snack when I realized that my life is alarmingly similar to the dogs I am watching over. Especially Baxter. We both have white hair, we both like laying on the cool kitchen tile, we both often run into the screen door, and we even eat similar meals. Where we differ is he sleeps 20 hours a day and then of course there are our political views.

Today I am thankful that the heat wave is over but I'm a little angry that this is the week it decided to rain. There is nothing worse then the smell of wet dog. Again though the 60 degree weather is welcome. I've been sleeping in the living room the last few nights so that I can keep an eye on the dogs. Usually I keep them in the bedroom so I know they aren't walking around all night chewing on all my things. But it's been too warm so I had the AC on which means I needed the windows closed...which means I'd have to sleep locked in my room with two smelly dogs. Also the dogs like to get up at 6 in the morning and wake me up and wrestle. As soon as I let them outside they commence to bark at the neighbor dog until I let them back in. As soon as they have made certain that I won't be able to fall back asleep they then take a nap for the rest of the day until they can do it all over again the next day.

Until next time...

Suck it BMI

Those of you with lives and have better things to do then work out 15 hours a week may not of heard of the BMI. It stands for Body Mass Index and is all the rage in determining if you are over weight or underweight. Basically the equation is (WeightX705)/Height(/Height) = BMI with Healthy: 18.5 - 24.9 Overweight: 25 - 29.9 and Obese: 30 or more. Anyway according to these figures I am 6 lbs overweight...when I figured this out the first thing I said was "F(*&CK you BMI!! Although I had a mouth full of raisenettes at the time so the BMI might not of heard me. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm in the best shape of my life...which isn't saying much, but I am in the best shape by a very large margin. So what I've decided is that I am not going to try to lose 6 lbs. I'm pretty sure if I stopped lifting weights I'd lose 6lbs in a couple weeks...instead I am going to try to grow 2 inches. In order to grow though I'm going to have to eat a lot more food.
So now that I have decided with all my dietary knowledge that the BMI doesn't apply to me I am going to make up my own way to figure out if you're too fat or too skinny...I call it the Amundson Mirror...It's just like a regular mirror accept you have to buy it from me and it will cost you $20 more than what i paid for it. If you look in the mirror and you think you're too fat or skinny...act accordingly...
Anyway I know how you're all dieing to know about my workout schedule so let me share with you. I really wish I had something better to write about and may be it would be best to just not write anything at all...but I'm a sharer. Anyway the last month I've been working out 6 days a week at the gym, running 3 miles a day with every other day switching between more running and weight lifting. The results is that I think I look more cut, but weigh exactly the same...actually a little bit more. Also I've been using the Gazelle I took out of the trash every day. It is a strange machine...No matter how fast or slow I go I can't get my heart rate up, but if I do it for 2 hours my upper legs feel slightly soar when I finish. I'm not sure it's worth it as an exercise machine but it works well if I do it while I watch TV or play a video game....also sometimes I do it while I eat. I've trying to eat less but it's hard to do so I've been eating foods that are good for me...then again I broke down the other day and ate a dozen cookies and an entire bag of chips for no reason at all. It was enough calories to be an entire days worth....I don't regret it at all.
Also I've been reading one book a week for the last few months. Lately I've been reading novels by Clive Cussler on recommendation from my friend Jake the Snake. They are Dirk Pitt novels, who is pretty much James Bond, but not a spy. He's been writing them for like 30 years so there are a lot of them, and it's kind of neat if you read them in order. Although the local library is missing a few.
Really I have nothing worth mentioning and I feel sorry for you if you've read all this. This week I am dog sitting again so that might be interesting and in April a Shermer tornado is rolling into Austin...I hope Christie and Amy like sleeping on the floor.

Stupid bankers

Banks today really make me angry...even the ones that aren't being bailed out by the government and the ones that aren't making loans to people who shouldn't be getting loans. When I moved I needed to switch banks and it has been the most difficult, frustrating occurrence in my life.

I have at least 5 stories that have taken hours out of my life and have cost me about 200 dollars in fees...all mistakes I had no control over. It's really frustrating when you're a little anal like myself and like to have all your bills paid the day you receive them in the mail. Anyway about two months ago I switched banks because USbank doesn't have a branch anywhere in Texas. So I take all my money out and put it in wells fargo. Then Netflix charges my old account 16 dollars, even though I had deleted that account from my profile. The nice thing about Usbank is that they don't do over draft they just take 200 dollars out of a reserve line and you pay that like a credit card. So now instead of having no dollars in my usbank account which I don't really have I have 184 dollars but owe them 210 dollars. So I ask them if I can send them a check for 26 dollars and they tell me no...I have to pay the full reserve line...and that I can't pay from my USbank checking account because it doesn't exist...even though I have 184 dollars in it. Makes sense...wait...FUCK NO it doesn't make sense. How can an account I don't have be charged? And how can I have 184 dollars in an account I can't write checks from? And why in the hell can't I just write them a check for the difference? Nobody I talk to on the phone seems to think this is odd or understands why this is a problem. So what I have to do is use the 184 dollars using the website...which makes no sense but for some reason I'm still able to log in. So I write a check to my self for 184 dollars and when I receive it in the mail I deposit it into my new account. So now I still owe Usbank 210 dollars...no the exact amount was 203.68. So I call them again asking them how I can pay this amount and the lady assures me that my account is closed and that nobody will be able to charge money to it. She then tells me that I have to wait for them to send me a bill in the mail for 203.68. So I wait. Meanwhile my job puts my paycheck into my account at USbank, instead of my new account at Wells Fargo. Somehow I don't have a bank account at Usbank, but they happily accept my paycheck but don't' put it into an account because there is no account to put it into. That's not my problem as I decide for that month to just get a written check instead of having direct deposit. So I deposit the check into my Wells Fargo bank account and they decide to put a hold on it. They can't tell me why...They WON"T tell me why. They don't even tell me they did it. In fact they take money from my checking and put it into my savings and since I don't have a paycheck in there like I'm suppose to they charge me 35 dollars...even though I have money in my savings, plenty to pay the amount they tried to take from my checking. I have to call them exactly 5 times before I get someone who understands the problem and realizes that it was their error. So they don't charge me the 35 dollars and eventually my check is deposited. Mean while I get the bill from Usbank saying that I owe them the 203.68 and that it is due on 2/05/09. I send the check immediately. It is deposited on 2/03/09. Which makes me mad as I sent it right away...and two days seems cutting it close. It doesn't matter though because I consider it done with. That's until today when I get a new bill for $2.15. The lady tries telling me that interest is charged daily...so when I when I received my bill for 203.68 on Thursday, by Friday it was a little more, Saturday a little more, and so on and so on...and since it didn't post until 2/03/09, $2.15 was the interest that had accumulated...It made no sense at all. I first explain to her how bills work. You are sent an amount. You are given time to pay that amount. If you don't pay by that time, then there are penalties or interest added. You don't pay interest on days while the check is in the mail...Interest isn't added daily. She argues with me. I ask her if she has a credit card. She tells me it's none of my business. I then laugh a little and tell her if she does it goes like this. My credit card company sends me a bill for the amount I have charged to it. If it's a 100 dollars and I send them 100 dollars then the account is at 0. They don't send me a bill for 100 dollars, then add some weird amount of interest until I send them a new check. If I don't send them 100 dollars then I am charged interest on the amount left over. Or if I send it late then I am charged interest on the entire amount. She then agrees with me this is how credit cards work. I then ask her what the difference is between the reserve line of credit...and a credit card. She says nothing. I tell her that I got a bill for 203.68 but really my minimum payment was $25. But I wanted this account closed so I sent the entire amount on time...which makes it a balance of 0. She then says "No." I then ask her if I do sent her the $2.15 won't I owe actually more because the $2.15 will be gaining interest while my check is in the mail making this a never ending process? She says and I quote, "No the $2.15 if paid on time won't get interest if paid in full." I ask her then what the FUCK the difference is when I paid the last amount. She can't tell me and I ask to speak to someone else. She puts me on hold for 35 minutes...35 fucking minutes...then she comes back on and tells me it's all taken care of and I should check back in a few days to make sure....I thank her for taking care of it, but am still wondering why the hell I should have to call them back to make sure they have fixed it...

i am going to ask to be paid in cash and I am going to bury all of it in the back yard.

Garbage Sale

One man's trash is another man's treasure...and I am that man. Today I made a conscious effort to do as little as possible. I had some work to do, but other than that I did pretty much nothing productive. I played video games, read a book, and watched some basketball on TV. All of it involved either sitting on my ass or laying on the floor...I really made an effort to be lazy. Surprisingly it is really hard to do. I don't consider myself a busy guy, or even a real go getter. My day doesn't consist of meeting after meeting with every second planned in order to get the most productivity...I don't even have an alarm clock. That being said I do go to the gym or work out everyday and it's to the point where I feel like complete crap if I don't go. It's to the point where I can' t enjoy myself unless I've been to the gym that day. Today for instance I convinced myself that from not going to the gym I have become diabetic...that I've gained 20 lbs, and I even felt like I was wheezing when I walked from the kitchen to the living room...It's ridiculous but I felt terrible...I couldn't do it anymore. I needed to do something...So I decided that I was going to go to the mailbox and put in my netflix and I decided to take the long way. I live on a big loop and the mailboxes are near one of the entrances to my road with my house in the middle. From an airplane it would basically look like the letter "D." Anyway I decided to take the long to the mailbox. I started running and instantly wished that I wasn't wearing slippers and about 300 yards from my house I saw that someone had already put out their garbage. Now garbage day isn't until Tuesday so I thought it was strange that they had it out so early...once I got closer I saw they were throwing away "Tony Little's Gazelle Freestyle Elite." I decided what the hell...I could use "Tony Little's Gazelle Freestyle Elite" so I picked it up and continued on my way to the mailbox. Luckily I don't know anyone in the neighborhood so I wasn't concerned that I was walking down the road carrying someone's trash in my slippers and my "Talk nerdy to me" t-shirt. Anyway, I made the entire loop and let me tell you that "Tony Little's Gazelle Freestyle Elite" gets rather heavy to carry after a half mile. I have no idea how to use it as it basically just feels like I'm swinging my legs back and forth and I'm not sure how to adjust the resistance, or even if it has all it's parts...but I'm still rather proud of my find. I also see that they are $175 dollars on ebay...what a find.

This is a real image I just found in a manual I downloaded for the gazelle...it's Tony Little and his face has clearly been photoshopped...badly...I thought it was funny so I had to put it on here.

Yes sir or ma'am

Today I finally got my garage door fixed. For some strange reason the people who owned the house before I moved in had decided that they were going to seal the garage door and make the garage into one big room complete with a ceiling fan. Today that was rectified and I am finally able to park my garage indoors and away from the harsh elements of the Texas climate (it was like 70 today...and cloudy). That makes me an oddity on the block as everyone in my neighborhood keeps their 30 thousand dollar cars in the driveway and fills their garage with worthless crap.
Today also reminded me of one my favorite Simpson's jokes. Since I rarely leave my home I can relate most stories and circumstances in life from an episode of the Simpsons. Luckily for me they cover a lot of ground. Anyway here is one of my favorite jokes:

Homer: Yeah I just parked the car in the garage.
Moe (sarcastically): GARAGE!! Oooooo LA TEE DA MISTER FRENCH MAN...GARAGE
Homer: What do you call it?
Moe: A car hole...


Also recently I was dog sitting for my brother and sister in law. They are two nice dogs named Chauncey and Baxter. Baxter is huge and a lovable lug...just like me. Chauncey is more like a cat. Baxter looks and moves like a polar bear and he kept me on my toes each day as he likes to take things out of the house and put them in the yard. For instance one day he took all the blankets and pillows and put them in the yard. Then the next day he took all the remotes and video game controllers and put them in the yard. I guess he just likes the yard to have things.

This is how Baxter Sleeps

Chauncey the cat/dog
He's like a big fluffy cloud


To the untrained eye it may look like I parked in the living room instead of a garage...but this is how I roll.

and I wonder...wah wah wah wah wonder...

Today I was doing cardio at the gym when I realized that I had forgot my headphones. All the machines at the gym have televisions on them and I usually watch ESPN while I workout or sometimes I read. I forgot how boring running on a treadmill is when you have nothing else to do. So there I was forced to workout for an hour with only my own brain to pass the time. Here is what I thought about:
I like it when people pronounce the "g" at the end of "i-n-g" words. So "running" is pronounced runninguh. There is a lady at the gym who talks like this and I like it. It's hard but I'm goinguh to try to remember to do it more often. Also I think it makes me sound more street and my cred isn't what it used to be...well as long as I can do it without sounding like Forrest Gump.
I've also been watching a lot of TV and I've noticed what I think to be an odd phenomena. Why is it that when two guys start a fight they always take off their shirts first. To me it seems like a strange choice of actions. If I were to be in a fight and the guy started taking off his shirt I'd probably punch him in the face while he was doing it. I think if you really want to intimidate the other guy you should take off your pants...that would confuse the hell out of them.
The rest of the time I spent watching a lady try to fit her SUV into a space marked "Compacts Only." First she tried just turning straight in narrowly missing the car on the side. She then backed up and went in at a better angle and was able to fit the car in there. The only problem was that there wasn't enough room for her to get out the door. So she backed out and turned around and tried backing into the spot. On the 3rd attempt she successfully backed into the spot to realize that she still wasn't going to be able to fit out her door. She then finally decided to park 3 spaces down in a regular sized space...obviously she was too lazy to walk the extra 15 feet, but it's a whole new kind of lazy when being lazy ends up being more work then just parking a little farther away. That being said guess who had the spot right next to the door? Me....

Nothing to do with Tiger Woods

Today I was sunning and reading in the back yard when I think I caught the neighbor lady spying on me through the cracks. I'm not sure what she was hoping to see as no matter what Rex says I rarely lay nude in my back yard. At first I thought it was the neighbor dog, so I went into the house and grabbed a chicken sausage to feed him. I then walked over to the fence and peeked over and to my surprise there was a lady running into the house instead of a dog waiting eagerly for his tasty treat.
I was in shorts and a t-shirt but I felt objectified. You ladies don't know how easy you have it. It's so hard to be a man now a days. We are bombarded with images of these freaks of nature on magazine covers and on television. Mean while you ladies have positive role models like um...Oprah and I'm pretty sure Big Bird is female. Anyway I want you all to know that I am not just a piece of meat..I'm a brain too...whole package baby.

On a side note everyone I know is getting married. It would be best for me if you all could get married at the same time in the same place so I don't have to make 10 trips to Minnesota this summer. It's just not going to be possible for me to go to all the weddings that are eventually coming up...lucky for me I haven't received any official invites yet... Anyway I'm pretty happy for all the newly engaged...everyone is getting so grown up and I still cereal that has prizes in the box....oh well.

quick post

Today on the advice of my friend Rex I decided to sign up for one of those free online dating sites. Here is what I found out...I am extremely attractive to girls over 45...so in 20 years I am going to be a huge stud. There may be more on this later.
Also today I was on the phone with my nephew and he told me a joke that him and his brother say...He asked me how i spell "I Cup" I of course said I-C-U-P...I was pretty happy I was able to spell it...he then had to explain the joke to me....it's pretty sad that my nephews are already better at telling jokes then me. I hope to go visit them in June...they are going to Mexico in March but I'm not going to be able to go...They (and my niece) are really growing up fast...seems like just yesterday I was trying to teach them dirty words.

SMRT

Last night while I was about to go to sleep I had the greatest idea known to man kind...the problem is that this morning I can't remember what it is. I think I'm going to go back to writing down my ideas. I've been trying to write a book for about 3-4 years now, and about that time I started writing down ideas that I had. It was marginally successful. In my "book" the main character is a little bit like me, but with everything more exaggerated. He's a little bit of a loser, he's self deprecating, humble, and different people view him very differently. Yet, he still thinks he's awesome and is kind of an ass. In the story he's trying to find a lady and he meets one of those typical girls who likes bad boys. So at the time I was trying to come up with jokes around that premise, and two came to me each late at night. Well, I actually wrote down three, but only two of them are usable. At the time when I wrote them down I thought them to be the funniest and best jokes that anyone had ever dreamed up in the history of life. The problem is that when I woke up the next morning I realized that they really weren't all that funny. The jokes were about how the character is not a "bad boy" and that he once got a bad rash from a rub on tattoo, and that root beer gives him heartburn. The third joke apparently had something to do with tuna flavored ice cream. Don't ask me why I thought this was a good idea or what the hell I was thinking but on my note I clearly have written down:

Rub on Tattoo= Rash
Root beer=heartburn
Tuna flavored ice cream

Another side story about my book, and really to anyone who is saving files that they want to keep forever...keep multiple copies on multiple machines. I had written about 29 pages of probably pure crap when I decided I was going to sell my old computer (this was when I was in Duluth) I had an external hard drive so I put everything I wanted to save on it and then reformatted the computer. I then loaded my pictures and music and my work folder onto the new computer. Everything seemed fine until I tried to write more to my story when I realized that I didn't keep my story in my work folder with all my other writings. I was keeping it on the desktop so I could just open it quickly. So it wasn't on my new computer but I wasn't panicking because I knew that I had saved it to my external hard drive. It had been a couple weeks since I transferred everything and I wasn't exactly sure where I had put my hard drive but I eventually found it in my gym bag. I took it out booted it up and transferred over the file. I then opened the file in word to find 29 pages of squares. Somehow my hard drive had become corrupted on it's travels and I lost every trace of my story. I was pretty angry with myself and I didn't think about the story that whole summer until I moved here to Texas. I now have exactly 3 whole pages of a story...live and learn.

what is the matter with people

In the last two days I've had two women randomly yell at me. The first was on Sunday night when I was at the gym. I was doing my workout when the one other person in the gym walks up to me and starts telling me that the bike is broken. I didn't really care, nor did I see how it was my problem that the bike was broken but I suggested she try one of the 5 other bikes that are exactly the same. She then said that none of the elliptical machines were on and then asked me what kind of gym I was running anyway. I told her I wasn't running any sort of gym and she said and I quote, "Well you're walking around here like you own the place." I laughed at her and then she said, "And the toilet is dirty too, I had to hover over the seat when I squatted." I then told her once again that I didn't work at the gym, nor have I ever worked at the gym. Then she said, "I'm glad I haven't paid yet this month." I swear I thought I was on TV or in a dream. She then stormed out trying to slam the door but since it has one of those pressure valves on it she didn't get the desired effect. For the next 30 minutes I tried figuring out how I was walking around like I owned the place. Then I went and used the elliptical machine...they are all "on" you just have to move your fat legs so they to boot up.
Then today after I went to the gym I went to the grocery store to buy coffee and milk. I ended up buying coffee and milk and chicken and steak. While I was standing in the coffee isle trying to figure out what "rich taste" and "full taste" mean a lady pushing a cart came up to me and told me her son had spilt his ice cream cone on the next isle. I wasn't paying attention to her and I had no idea that she was talking to me and this apparently upset her. She then started yelling at me that she was diabetic and that she was going to have me fired. I still wasn't sure she was talking to me and I looked around. I noticed that there was at least 4 people looking at us now but she was most definitely talking to me. The first thing I thought was whether she had a sister to worked out at my gym. I told her that I didn't work at the grocery store. She then said, "don't get smart with me. I want to talk to your manager." The funny thing was that I was in full gym attire. I was in a bright yellow sleeveless t-shirt and wearing slippers and basketball shorts. As far as I can tell the people who work at the grocery store wear red shirts and pants, and probably wear shoes or at least sandals. Anyway I just started walking away from the lady and I noticed that the other people in the isle were snickering. I win in the end though because I enjoyed my chicken and in about 5 minutes I am going to enjoy my steak.

Working hard for it honey

The last half a year I've been attempting to be less judgemental as I've realized some people take my sarcasm for outright malice. It's hard not to think things but I can try to not say those things. One problem is that I still think I'm funny, so I think them in my head and then just laugh out loud. Which makes me think if I saw a guy who just randomly laughed to himself, I'd think he was retarded and then probably laugh at something I though. Anyway when I go to the gym, I think things that are funny, and then I laugh out loud, so I've taken to wearing my ipod all the time so I hope people think I"m listening to something funny, rather than just laughing at them. I debate with myself over whether this makes me a jerk. I've always been told it's not nice to laugh at people. I'm not suppose to get pleasure from other peoples follies...but I do...I don't know how to change that. My counterpoint is that I really don't think I'm better than them. Putting other people down isn't my goal, my goal is to find humor in peoples weaknesses. What I'm secretly doing is projecting my own failures onto others and then laughing at them, which is really me laughing at myself...That is either really deep, or I'm really struggling to justify it...Either way I am what I am and I can't hold back some of my gym stories.

May be it's because it's the only place I really go daily, but I've learned there are a lot of strange people at a gym. I've been to three gyms and two of them had a lot of interesting characters. The third was the work out facility at Fortune Bay and I was the only person that was ever there. So that one had only one strange, good looking character.

My new gym is Anytime Fitness. I like that I can go there anytime...although I really just go there everyday at the same time. It makes me a little mad that I'm paying for all those extra hours where I'm just sleeping. I like the gym, they have all the weights and machines I need. I wish they had a basketball court though. Anyway on to the patrons.

There is a guy who I see at the gym almost everyday I'm there. He's absolutely huge. Not fat, just a cube of muscle. He always wears baggy blue pants, like he is a nurse, and then a tight fitting white t-shirt. I watch him in awe as he benches probably 5 times what I can without any trouble. Then one day he came in and was wearing shorts, and I suddenly realized that I've never seen him working out his lower body. His ankles are like my wrists. He seriously looked like one of those cartoons where the guy walks into a pool of pirahnas up to his waste and then walks out and is all meat on top with just bones for legs. I've seen the top heavy muscle man before, but never this drastic. I decided that he was working out for a role in a movie, where he plays a man in a wheel chair, so I've call him Joe, like the guy from Family Guy.

I've noticed some similar personalities between the YMCA and Anytime Fitness. There is already mentioned Joe. There is the guy that works out in jeans for some reason, and there is the guy that wears the tightest shorts he can find. I'm guessing at all gyms you will find these same types of people. Here in Kyle though I think we have one guy that is totally unique.

I have dubbed him "Worlds Worst Personal Trainer." He really is like something out of Saturday Night Live. First off he's one of the biggest people I've ever seen. I mean he's big, sadly big. I almost feel sorry for him except that he's at a Gym...he should try working out. Except he doesn't work out...he is training two other ladies. It's the oddest thing I've ever seen in my life. The guy is so big that he literally gets winded from standing and has to sit down. I don't understand any of it. I try to imagine a scenario where these two ladies would hire this man to be their personal trainer. They are big ladies, but together I'm pretty sure they still don't weigh as much as their trainer. Anyway there are two scenarios I have come up with. First, he really is their personal trainer. He does try to instruct them after all. I see him trying to help them do their exercises correctly. He's too big to do them though so it's hard. But I am starting to think that there is something strange with the three of them. I'm thinking that he's married to both of them. Sometimes he "helps" them. He stands behind them and reaches around them and will guide their arms as they do something like bicep curls. It's incredibly creepy. No real personal trainer would do that. He's big so he has to smush himself up against them, and even then he can't reach their arm so he's really just grasping at their elbows. Then when they do the treadmill he just sits in a chair and watches them. And he just sits there and kind of wheezes...he creeps the hell out of me. And the ladies seem to think it's normal so they creep the hell out of me. Usually I find humor in these things and at first I laughed a lot when I'd see them...but after watching them I have decided that there really has to be something dark about it. But then yesterday I had one of those laugh out loud moments...one where I probably shouldn't of laughed. I was on the treadmill not really paying attention to the big guy and his two students. I look out the window and I see a Pizza Hut car. I first think, "Ha...the pizza hut guy works out here, I should take a picture of his car outside the gym, that would be ironic." But I was wrong. He wasn't coming to work out. Someone had ordered a pizza...at the gym. It was that personal trainer. He didn't just order 1 pizza. He ordered 2. When the pizzas arrived the two ladies got a on a treadmill and he sat down and ate pizza. An entire pizza. Then he started eating the second pizza...but he didn't eat it all. He shared two slices, one for each of the ladies on the treadmill. So there I am on the treadmill with a lady on my left eating pizza and walking, and a lady on my right eating pizza and walking, and the worlds biggest personal trainer sitting in a chair in front of me scraping the cheese from the boxes. I couldn't hold it in. I laughed...pretended it was something from the TV and then quit. I then looked at the guy who was working there and we shared a silent brief look of , "yeah I don't know what's going on." I admit it. I've eaten an entire pizza before...and recently. I mean I eat a lot. I've had two Baconantors from Wendy's before. Since I started working out I eat at least 3 times more then I used on a daily basis...but never...ever...ever will I eat Pizza Hut at the gym...may be right before and after...but not while I'm there.