Olive Garden...hooray breadsticks

The other day a friend and I went out to eat, we decided to overpay for some noodles, so we went to Olive Garden. That’s right, let the mystery consume you…who could this mystery friend be? It really got me thinking, don’t get me wrong, I love Olive Garden, but Olive Garden is really kind of full of herself isn’t she? I say Olive Garden is a she because for some reason when people want to refer to inanimate objects as a gender, they always refer to them as female. Like if you are talking about a car you say something along the lines of, “She’s got a lot of horse power.” Or “Isn’t she a beaut?” I guess it is because saying, “He’s got a lot of horse power” sounds funny? Also, most of the people working at the OG are female, and let’s face it; most of the males are pretty much female. May be I just pissed off some of the males there but what are they going to do? Slap me to death? Anyway the more I think about it the more I don’t like the attitude that Olive Garden has. To me Olive Garden is that sister marrying, trailer dwelling, toothless redneck that won the lotto and all of a sudden thinks he is cultured. Picture a guy with an Armani suit with a Dale Earnhardt hat on, pouring a golden cup of boxed wine…or just picture Britney Spears…now make her dance a little…yeah that’s it.
Olive Garden can try to pretend to be as fancy as it wants, but when I look around and see a majority of the customers are sporting their favorite motor oil brand on their jacket they bought with Camel Bucks, I know the truth. Which is fine with me, I come from an area where I thought a fancy restaurant was one without a bar. The thing that really irks me about Olive Garden is that the people there automatically think you are retarded (your lame joke here about how you think I’m retarded_________ my semi witty comeback here___________). The first thing they ask you when you sit down is whether you have been there before or not…as if Olive Garden is so different from other restaurants that they have to ask. Gee, I’ve never had this handy fold out menu before; it really takes the strain off the neck from reading items off the wall at my usual place. Not only that but they start explaining the menu to me whether I say I’ve been there before or not. Sure sometimes the waiters aren’t that bad at giving the talk, and as long as they don't mind me making sex eyes (which is me squinting at her as hard as I can) at them I don’t mind them explaining to me what a meat ball is (which I am told is a ball of meat). But most of the time it is just really awkward with me trying to put on my “I’m interested” face, which I recently realized looks very similar to my “I think I’m giving birth” face. I’m not really sure why I have a “I think I’m giving birth” face, but it is too late to change who I am now.

I’m also not really sure why it takes five minutes to explain the inner workings of the menu. Which may not seem like a long time to you, but when I’m waiting for breadsticks it seems like a life time. Besides as far as I can decipher there isn’t anything tricky about the menu. It is your typical menu, a list of foods grouped by similarities, available in exchange for some sort of payment. I don’t see any moving parts or fancy equations I need to solve. It’s not in crossword or jumble style, and I’m not 65 and from the state of Florida, so I really don’t understand why they feel the need to point out their “new” items. Listen…I get it…the new items have the word “NEW” conveniently typed next to them. And like I said, I’ve been here before…your “new” items are the same “new” items that were here the last time I was here. Also believe it or not, I am aware that they have invented the menu insert. I know there are sometimes two menus, one being the regular menu and the other being the specials for that period of time. Does this mean that there are people who have gone to OG and been so lost that they decided to explain everything? Did someone one day walk in and ask if they had a play place? Did they get the two menus and become confused, thinking that may be Olive Garden was supplying them with a menu from a similar establishment for comparison? Did they not know how to use a menu? May be they just started licking it and thinking that would bring them food. Anyway, Olive Garden…get over yourself…

Super duper

I was reading a book (totally by accident) and in it someone was asked if they were a super hero what superpowers they would have. For the rest of the day, well the next few minutes anyway, I started to wonder what my answer would be to said question. In the end I decided I didn’t want to be a super hero at all. They have a thankless job and they rarely get the gal because they have secret identities. I did however come up with a few special abilities that I would want, but by having would not make me a superhero.

1. I want the ability to cross my eyes.
The ability to cross my eyes would entertain me for a lifetime. If I could cross my eyes I would bust it out every chance I had. In line at Wendy’s I’d receive my food and when they said thank you, I’d cross my eyes. If someone was yelling at me for something I did or said, I could just cross my eyes and all would be forgiven in an instant eruption of laughter. Crossing my eyes would be awesome.

2. I want to know what time it is at all times.
Knowing the exact time and date at all times would be great, and would come in very handy if I am ever trapped on a deserted island. I also believe it would make me more popular around my peers. I would be known as the guy who always knows what time it is, and just thinking about the ladies who would want me to set their watches makes me happy. I’m pretty sure I could market that. You would know your time piece was quality if, and only if, it was a Derek Amundson set piece. And if that doesn’t work out I would at least save thousands of dollars on future clocks/watches and clock/watch batteries.

3. I want to be able to spread things on a sandwich perfectly in one swipe.
This one is a little selfish. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve wasted in my life away making multiple swipes at bread. Be it peanut butter, mayo, miracle whip, mustard, or any other condiment, I want the ability to spread it evenly over an entire piece of bread in one swipe. One time I made peanut butter toast and covered the whole piece in one swipe and to this day I am yet to repeat that feat.

4. I want to be able to control electronic devices with my mind.
I have a lot of remotes and it sure would make my life a lot easier if I could just change things with my mind. I could control the fan, the tv, the xbox, my computer, my camera, all with my mind. Plus I could play a lot of jokes on people because they wouldn’t know that I had the ability. Whenever anyone was watching something on TV that I didn’t like I could change the channel without them knowing, or turn it off completely. Then I could start their car, and open the garage door, and then I could make up long lavish stories about how their house is haunted and that they need someone to come remove the poltergeist…of course I would just happen to be in the poltergeist removal business…cha-ching.

Back in the saddle...and it chafes

Today was a real, real busy day. When I tell you about it you're going to say in your little head, "I don't believe a word of this...no way all this happened in one day" but I swear to you it is true.

First I woke up around noon. It was tough getting out of bed so early, but I somehow managed since I love each and everyday I'm alive. Some days you just want to jump out of bed running ya know?

After all that hubbub of waking up I managed to take a shower AND brush most of my teeth. Overachiever...I think so. I usually try to settle down on the weekends but you only live life once right?

After the shower the tough planning began. I could comb my hair, but I decided to save the time by just going to get a hair cut instead...they will comb my hair for me....advantage brain.

It's been a minute since my last hair cut and I forgot how awkward it usually is for me. I have no idea what it is about me, but people just feel they can tell me absolutely anything when they cut my hair. It might be my superpower...I'm thinking the CIA could use me some how, but I'm a little reluctant to give suspected terrorists scissors near my head...not because I think they will stab me, but they don't seem to groom all that often and let's be real...messing up my head of hair doesn't just hurt me, it hurts America. Anyways...back to people telling me way to much information when they cut my hair...You may remember me telling you about the guy who told me he hated his wife but didn't believe in divorce and then proceeded to ask me how to remove any traces of what he does on the Internet from his computer...including but not limited to chat room logs and pictures...today I had another awkward conversation.

It went pretty much like this...with some liberties taken.

Her: Hi how are you.
Me: Hello, and please, ma'am there is no need to bow...twice.
Her: You have such lovely hair, have you been here before?
Me: Yeah, since I moved I pretty much come here each time I need it cut.
Her: Oh where are you from?
Me: Minnesota.
Her: Oh you don't sound like one of those...
Me: Um...thank you?
Her: So what do you think of it here?
Me: It's all right.
Her: Oh well at least your not snowed in. Have you been here in the summer...it's SOOOO hot.
Me: Yeah snow is a nuisance...yeah I was here last summer. It does get hot.
Her: The people here are different too huh? I bet you don't have many Mexicans up there.
Me: Then for some reason I said this: Yeah not really...I never really noticed but when I went back for a wedding there really are a lot of white people in Minnesota.
Her: (mistakenly thinking this means I'm a raging racist) Oh that must be wonderful. People like you and I stick out like a soar thumb around here. We have to stick together or we'll be the ones who end up being slaves.
Me: uh....
Her: I mean I don't hate them... I just wish that they never came over the boarder.
Me:....
Her: It was even hard for me to find a stylist position.
Me: Yeah we have the same problem with Canadians in Minnesota.
Her: Really?
Me: Yeah they steal all the lumberjack jobs...it's why I moved to Texas.
Her: She then gave a nod of approval...then after thinking about it I think she realized there are no trees here...she thought about it while she finished cutting my hair.

After my hair cut I decided to go grocery shopping...wow do I hate shopping. If for dinner last night I hadn't had a jar of pickles and the last few spoonfuls of peanut butter I would of put off grocery shopping a little longer.

I think what I hate the most about grocery shopping is that they strategically place people to be in the way. One lady was really pissing me off. First she was on her cell phone standing in such a way that it prevented me from taking a cart from the three rows of carts. Then I saw her sneeze on the apples...then she was in front of me in the checkout and she made the lady run all the way to the back of the store to look up a price on cat food...then decided afterwards that she was just going to go to petco to get it....Then she dug through her purse looking for her checkbook...then dug through her purse looking for a pen (refused the pen offered to her by the checkout lady)...took an eternity to write out the check...accidentally tore the check in half trying to remove it from the book and proceeded to repeat the process all over again. While all this went on I was trying to make sure that the hair lady didn't secretly carve a swastika in the back of my head.

Finally I was done grocery shopping and went home and took a nap...now I plan on going out in hopes of having a real adventure.

Now you know why I don't update the blog.

Peace,

D