Gay Marriage

I'm reeeeally tired of listening to the debate on gay marriage.  So far I haven't heard ONE argument that makes any sense against it.  The whole conservative view point is one big slap in the face lie.  They really have it both ways.  I'm all for letting the churches decide who can get married.  I"m 100% sure I can find a church that will marry two men.  Buuuuuuut...the GOVERNMENT won't all churches to legally marry.  It's bullshit and I'm tired of trying to talk rationally with people about it.  It really infuriates me that the new thing is to say that a candidate is a "defender of the constitution"  Which is code for...AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE.  Because we all know that what makes America great is the freedom of it's people, that the government doesn't make you follow a certain religions rules, that we are free and that's what makes Americans the envy of the world...so naturally we should deny gay marriage?  I can't stand when I hear people say that shit and then there are millions of people nodding their head because their little brains can't think for themselves and they just like that some asshat is saying what they are thinking.  Seriously, when you hear someone talk about the constitution and in the same breath start saying how their religion doesn't allow gay marriage you're a fucking moron for not thinking they are full of shit.  Are you even listening to what they say?  They are bat shit crazy.  This country is going to go to hell and it's not because of Obama.  It's because it's filled with mindless fucks who equate life to how much money they have and can only have happiness if they are comparing themselves to everyone around them.  I challenge ONE PERSON anywhere to send me an anonymous statement giving ONE example of how being against gay marriage is both rational and for the good of this country.  Just one.  If one person can make ONE point for being against gay marriage I will never talk about it again.

There is a chance I'm getting old

So lately there have been unconfirmed rumors that I may have turned 30.  While I am neither confirming or denying these accusations, and my hair is as thick and luscious as ever, there have been some small indicators that I may be getting older.

For instance, what do I want for Christmas?  I want a back scratcher (preferably a young latino..zing) and new socks.  When did that happen?!!?  Socks aren't cool...they were never cool...and it's all I want.  It seems like just yesterday I was combing through the catalogs and newspapers clipping out gifts I wanted.  Everything was fast and colorful and awesome and I couldn't wait one more minute to open my gifts or I'd pee my pants!  Now...now...ugh...I'd never get up early to open gifts.  I don't WANT anything.  All I want is some peace and quiet and for the imaginary neighbor kids I have for the purpose of this blog to shut the fuck up and quit running through my also imaginary well maintained lawn.

Also for the purpose of this blog I receive phone calls and lately I've realized that I find it incredibly cumbersome to have to answer the phone after 6:30...what could someone possibly want to say to me so late that they couldn't tell me in the morning!?!? I remember once I called Shawna Carver at 8:30 when I was in highschool and her dad yelled at me on the phone.  Now I understand what he meant...touche old man...touche.  When I was in highschool I stayed up until 6 am trying to think of stupid saying to say for my quote of the day(i think I invented spamming email with that).  I'd stumble out of bed at 8:10, brush my teeth while I ate, and was at school in less than 20 minutes and didn't feel tired at all...until they started talking...then I went straight to sleep.

All these things that used to be fun and new and amazing back in college now seem like work.  I COULD drive down to Duluth, go out to the bars with friends, sleep a few hours, and drive back home the next day...or I could just stay home switching between the Weather Channel and reruns of the Twilight Zone while I lay around in my underwear.

Another thing...I'm kind of losing my dickheadedness (just made up a word).  I've always been quick with a comeback...it didn't matter who or what you were, if you said something even semi-smart ass to me I'd have an instant comeback in my head to totally derail any chance you thought you had of winning at teasing.   Now someone says something sassy to me and I have to ask them to repeat it because I can't hear what the hell they are saying!  It really takes the ZING out of things if I have to get them to repeat their original put down 36 times before I fully understand what is going on.

When I was younger my brain had to constantly be entertained in some way.  It was always thinking,  I had some many damn ideas in my head all at once it was hard to concentrate.  Now when I have an idea by the time I start to write it down I'm ready to take a nap.

More Small Town living

So I feel slightly guilty of just making fun of living in small town because it really does come with a lot of great things, but in reality I just don't find those things all that interesting so I'd rather just comment on what it's like to come from a true small community.  By definition...a small community is rather...small...and that means that a lot of people haven't really experienced it.  I guess you also have to have a very dry sense of humor to appreciate all that it entails...and also have a lot of spare time to want to read this.

Sunday I accompanied my father to what I thought was a spaghetti and meatball feed.  I was quickly reminded that here in Scandinavian country meatballs don't always accompany noodles.  Which...I prefer.  Why sully the good reputation of a meatball by surrounding it with those incessant noodles?  I still can't figure out a good way to eat a noodle.  How does on suck it down without that last inch slapping against your lips, leaving a series of red sauced stained marks?!?!  I've tried the spoon and fork technique...I don't like it...stupid Italians...or as the old man calls them EYEtalians.  Anyway the meatball meal was in the local church which fortunately is right next door to my fathers.  It's a real old church...I think.  It is just one room up top and one room below for a total (check my math at home kids!) of 2 rooms.  Upon entering the church I didn't burn, which is nice, but still being a homosexual I have a new found aversion to churches.  As my father and I descended the stairs to the basement and entered the lower room this nice lady with a big fake smile greeted us. In the background I saw two familiar faces and I heard, "Well oh my gosh! It's Mike and Derek."  For a second I felt like a celebrity until the lady with the big fake smile said, "OH Mark and Erin?!?"  I haven't seen you guys for a while!  You could tell that the ladies working were very happy to have people there to take care of, I imagine their own families have grown up to the point where they don't always get to put those good skills to use very much anymore.  We were treated as royalty, they hustled and bustled asking me what I wanted what I didn't want...the questions were as meaningless as the answers because I was getting a little of everything whether I liked it or not.  As i was served one lady whispered in my ear, "I gave you extra meatballs!"  My heart swelled with pride until I glanced at my fathers plate and using my amazing ability to count numbers less than ten I saw that he had 1 more meatball than me.  Apparently the old man still has it.  As we sat there small talk ensued and as nice and lovely as it all was I couldn't help but to think in the back of my mind that this just wasn't the place for me.  May be it's because I"m not 65+.  May be because I've been living in a big city.  May be because I'm just kind of a jerk...but the conversation just didn't peak my interest.  It is deer season...so we talked about all the deer...each person around the table stating emphatically that THEY had seen the biggest deer.  Then we got to talking about the TERRIBLE traffic in Angora.  People sometimes flying by at an amazing 65 mph...SOMETIMES being the key word.  The only time I seem to find a car on the road is when it's one of the people who were in the church and they are going 40...and I'm trying to pass. 

     Still I ate everything on my plate, not really because I was all that hungry, but because I didn't have to share any stories if my face was stuffed with food.  I let my dad do what my dad does best...tell stories.  I heard them all and the ladies at the table were nice enough to nod their heads and say small agreeable things.  We heard about the old bell system, my dog homer, and how Mrs. Bidle told him once that I was smarter than my brother.  The ladies of course had no idea what the bell system was, who my dog homer was, or who the heck Mrs. Bidle is, but that didn't stop my dad from telling his stories.

All in all I guess the meal served it's purpose.  I got to take my dad out of the house and I ate a plate of meat.  

What have you been doing?

If I had a nickel for every time I heard this I'd have traded them in for a few bucks...I don't know how to explain life anymore.  Especially being back up in God's country.  Somewhere between Duluth and Cotton your vehicle goes through a dimensional portal which only is distinguishable by the sudden lack in the laws of time.  Days here go both slow and fast and sometimes in reverse.  The summer was a blur but seemed to take forever.  Sometimes I drive for hours only to find that I'm still nowhere.  Sometimes I'll be at a bar which has looked the same since 1972, is filled with slightly sad looking old guys, and someone randomly plays Lady Gaga on the jukebox....yes they still have a jukebox!
     The summer was great, it was just what I needed...I worked every day, all day, and my days off were spent stressing over whether I was getting the most relaxation possible...which of course made it impossible for me to relax.  At times being back up north is the greatest thing in the world.  There is something to be said about going for a walk deep into the forest with no discernible proof of civilization...except for my iphone.  And have I told you how great it is to just pee outside again!?!?  There really is nothing like it.  And yes you shouldn't pee in the wind, but damn if it isn't fun to pee with the wind!  After spending time in Texas, which is great in it's own way, I have a new appreciation for the beauty that is up here.  The sky might be bluer in Texas but the stars are brighter in Minnesota.  And yet...there are things missing.  I have a lot of friends and family here, but I miss the connections I made in Texas.  I miss being able to just explore Austin and find crazy weird people and places.  The chances of me losing to a drag queen in a dating game up here are very slim.  And I can almost guarantee I won't see some fool walking around constantly with no shirt and a cat on his shoulder.  But the worst part about here, really the only bad part,  is that for a gay man there's not a lot up here.  It's almost a shame to have all this beauty around and nobody to show it to.

It's like choose your own simile
A) Playing Monopoly by yourself.  You might be winning but it still kind of sucks.
B) Making love to yourself.  It feels great but is much better with someone else.
C) Having a Hulu account without an internet connection.

And this is what pisses me off about people who are against gay marriage more than anything.  You think it doesn't hurt anyone if we just can't get married...but it does.  It says that you don't think I should be able to hold my lovers hand to keep them warm as the leaves change colors.  That I can't just kiss him gently as the sunsets on Lake Vermilion.  Why would God provide me with these feelings and all this beauty if I wasn't meant to enjoy it?  Being gay isn't all cut off jean shorts and sparkly v-neck tops.  We are like everyone else.  The more you try to make us outcasts the more we will act accordingly...If you don't think I deserve to get married then you should know that I dislike you immensely and think you are a horrible person.  If you were to tell me this in my presence I would give you the tongue lashing you never knew possible and very possibly beat you senseless.

So...just be warned.  ;)

Blogs by Design: Learning Spanish

After the rousing success of the first requested blog I decided to continue...

Growing up in the woods in Linden Grove I didn't really have much of a reason to learn Spanish.  My dog didn't really care what language I spoke as long as I scratched his ears and gave him my left overs. Most of the imaginary friends I had  didn't talk to me at all.  The only foriegn culture I had was from the Canadian Channel and as far as I could tell they were just like me...smelled like maple syrup and a fresh cut ax.  I'm not sure I even knew there was such thing as Spanish, except may be for the Speedy Gonzales cartoons, which as far as I can tell is a rather accurate portrayal of your average Mexican mouse.  Besides that my dad would sometimes refer to "Metsaco" which for years I thought was a company owned by the Metsas who lived in the area.

When I was in high school I had to take a Spanish Class and I think my only thought about it was, "Why the heck do I need to know Spanish?!!?"  Warp ahead 10 years and I'm obviously dating a man straight out of Mexico...it was during this time I instantly regretted not knowing how to say anything in Spanish besides, "Where is the library?"  This summer while I slaved away at Vermilion Houseboats I decided to enrich my mind by teaching myself Spanish.  And let me tell you...it's not really all that easy.  How do you teach yourself something you don't even know?  It's a perplexing idea.  Sure...after a few weeks I could repeat the audio books I had downloaded...I can count...I can say simple things...but as soon as someone who grew up speaking Spanish starts talking I might as well be licking my drool off the window of the short bus.  It's hard to learn Spanish when you really have nobody around you at any time who will speak Spanish with you...hell most of the guys I hang out with barely speak English.  Every once in a while I'd speak with some of my Spanish speaking friends on Skype or by phone but I quickly realized they were about as adept at teaching Spanish as I was.

I really wanted to buy the Rosetta Stone program but I just could not justify the $600 price tag.  I could never actually find anyone who had bought and used the program but always heard something like, "Oh my friend's friend bought it and it worked really well for him...also he was taking classes."  I kind of feel like it's so much money that people just lie about it working so that they don't look like an idiot for buying it.  Kind of like the people who fall for those scams where you spend in $200 bucks to get a plaque saying how smart you are.  Anyway  I tried going to the local library to see if they had such a program to either use at their facility or to borrow.  The hardest part was getting to the Library during it's business hours.  They seem to be open every other Tuesday from 3-3:30.  Once inside I asked the librarian if they had such a program and she just looked at me like I was a moron for even considering they would have such a thing.  After asking if they had any language learning software she directed me to the "Computer learning" section which consisted of such titles as, "Email for Dummies" and the manual for Windows 98.

     So instead of spending $600+ on a program that was not guaranteed to work I cobbled together my own programs.  I found a few great websites that helped. http://www.busuu.com/  http://www.studyspanish.com/ Both of which are free but try to get you buy more.  Also http://quizlet.com/ is a great site for making your own flash cards.  They will even have a realistic Spanish speaker say the words in Spanish for you.  Besides that I downloaded the audio book Spanish for Dummies.  I also bought the program call Spanish Immersion which had multiple discs with varying effectiveness.  I then found a few ebooks that are free to download which really helped my reading and recollection.  And supplemented all that with a few Apps.  Jibbigo is a great program you can just talk into and it translates and doesn't need the internet.  Spanishtt is a nice little learning tool and byki was also pretty good.  I also downloaded a Spanish Slang app which was fun for learning a few slang terms and sayings.  All in all I spent under 100$ and I think it was really a much better program than anything out there.

As Requested: Manscaping

I recently implored you, the public, to suggest idea(r)s for new blog posts.  I need to think of a clever title for this blog on request...then I need to think of a not so clever title I will actually use.  You give me a topic and I'll write about it, that way we both feel like we did something today with our lonely little pathetic lives.

So today's request comes from my buddy Rex who wants me to write about manscaping.  Lucky for Rex I'm kind of a know it all so I'd be happy to write extensively on the subject.

     For those of you not in the know "manscaping" is the clever word pun that basically refers to a man's grooming, but doesn't just have to be done by Mexicans (racism is the best!).  It mostly is used in reference to shaving one's special, bad touch areas but can also encompass grooming of any hair.  I for one am all for Manscaping..  Listen fellas, nobody wants to get with a one eyebrowed, disheveled wilder-beast.  I really don't need to see any canopies walking around the beach either.  Trim that tumble weed...it's really quite freeing.   I'm not saying you shave it smooth... nobody wants a school zone down there.  Things need to be done in moderation.  Besides that really itches.
     If you're worried that it's not "manly" to shave Kool and the Gang then I really have only one piece of advice for you...stop being a wuss.  There is nothing less manly then worrying so much about what makes you manly or not.  I've seen some dudes in a dress that are twice as manly as me...scary as hell though.  Besides it's not really all that difficult to trim a little...takes about five seconds once a week.  If you need to feel like a man, go break something and put it back together incorrectly, or just drive around and not ask for directions...Only you can prevent forest fires!

I used to be so damn funny

Fone Phun
Finally a few helpful hints for when you are listening on the phone.
 1.  If you find yourself not paying attention and the person you are talking with catches you, just say you were going through a tunnel.
2.  End each sentance with either "niner" or "over."  And start each sentance with "banana."
3.  Answer the phone scream "Caaaaptaaaaaiiiiin Caaaaaaveeeeemaaaaan!" and then hang up.
4.  Call someone and then ask them "So where are you at?"  (This doesn't work as well if you are calling their cell phone)
5.  If someone you don't want to talk to calls you just tell them that your phone doesn't work.
6.  Call someone and when they pick up just keep dialing numbers.  Once the people catch on tell them to hold on because you are doing your taxes and ask if they know where the "+" sign is.
7.  Get a friend and ask them to make prank phone calls with you.  Then call someone and once they answer pull down your pants and moon the phone...then hang up and start laughing...then no matter what your friend says say "You're just mad because you didn't think of it."
8. Answer the phone and say "How many times do I have to tell you that I won't accept a collect call from Georgie Porgie." Then hang up.
9.  Start dialing random numbers and try selling things that you don't use and are just lieing around the house.
10.  For you answering machine message leave a busy signal.
11.  Call someone and ask them if their phone smells like feet.
12.  Next time someone calls and asks you to switch long distance plans tell them you already have a set of encylopedias.
13.  Call the operator and ask if they have done any surgeries today...then laugh uncontrollably
14.  Carry your cordless phone around with you and insist on telling people that it is your mobile phone.
15.  Call a random number and order 6 tacos and 5 corndogs, with a side of meatballs, then say there is an extra fiver if you get it here in 15 minutes.
16.  Phones just aren't really all that fun.