After the rousing success of the first requested blog I decided to continue...
Growing up in the woods in Linden Grove I didn't really have much of a reason to learn Spanish. My dog didn't really care what language I spoke as long as I scratched his ears and gave him my left overs. Most of the imaginary friends I had didn't talk to me at all. The only foriegn culture I had was from the Canadian Channel and as far as I could tell they were just like me...smelled like maple syrup and a fresh cut ax. I'm not sure I even knew there was such thing as Spanish, except may be for the Speedy Gonzales cartoons, which as far as I can tell is a rather accurate portrayal of your average Mexican mouse. Besides that my dad would sometimes refer to "Metsaco" which for years I thought was a company owned by the Metsas who lived in the area.
When I was in high school I had to take a Spanish Class and I think my only thought about it was, "Why the heck do I need to know Spanish?!!?" Warp ahead 10 years and I'm obviously dating a man straight out of Mexico...it was during this time I instantly regretted not knowing how to say anything in Spanish besides, "Where is the library?" This summer while I slaved away at Vermilion Houseboats I decided to enrich my mind by teaching myself Spanish. And let me tell you...it's not really all that easy. How do you teach yourself something you don't even know? It's a perplexing idea. Sure...after a few weeks I could repeat the audio books I had downloaded...I can count...I can say simple things...but as soon as someone who grew up speaking Spanish starts talking I might as well be licking my drool off the window of the short bus. It's hard to learn Spanish when you really have nobody around you at any time who will speak Spanish with you...hell most of the guys I hang out with barely speak English. Every once in a while I'd speak with some of my Spanish speaking friends on Skype or by phone but I quickly realized they were about as adept at teaching Spanish as I was.
I really wanted to buy the Rosetta Stone program but I just could not justify the $600 price tag. I could never actually find anyone who had bought and used the program but always heard something like, "Oh my friend's friend bought it and it worked really well for him...also he was taking classes." I kind of feel like it's so much money that people just lie about it working so that they don't look like an idiot for buying it. Kind of like the people who fall for those scams where you spend in $200 bucks to get a plaque saying how smart you are. Anyway I tried going to the local library to see if they had such a program to either use at their facility or to borrow. The hardest part was getting to the Library during it's business hours. They seem to be open every other Tuesday from 3-3:30. Once inside I asked the librarian if they had such a program and she just looked at me like I was a moron for even considering they would have such a thing. After asking if they had any language learning software she directed me to the "Computer learning" section which consisted of such titles as, "Email for Dummies" and the manual for Windows 98.
So instead of spending $600+ on a program that was not guaranteed to work I cobbled together my own programs. I found a few great websites that helped. http://www.busuu.com/ http://www.studyspanish.com/ Both of which are free but try to get you buy more. Also http://quizlet.com/ is a great site for making your own flash cards. They will even have a realistic Spanish speaker say the words in Spanish for you. Besides that I downloaded the audio book Spanish for Dummies. I also bought the program call Spanish Immersion which had multiple discs with varying effectiveness. I then found a few ebooks that are free to download which really helped my reading and recollection. And supplemented all that with a few Apps. Jibbigo is a great program you can just talk into and it translates and doesn't need the internet. Spanishtt is a nice little learning tool and byki was also pretty good. I also downloaded a Spanish Slang app which was fun for learning a few slang terms and sayings. All in all I spent under 100$ and I think it was really a much better program than anything out there.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
As Requested: Manscaping
I recently implored you, the public, to suggest idea(r)s for new blog posts. I need to think of a clever title for this blog on request...then I need to think of a not so clever title I will actually use. You give me a topic and I'll write about it, that way we both feel like we did something today with our lonely little pathetic lives.
So today's request comes from my buddy Rex who wants me to write about manscaping. Lucky for Rex I'm kind of a know it all so I'd be happy to write extensively on the subject.
For those of you not in the know "manscaping" is the clever word pun that basically refers to a man's grooming, but doesn't just have to be done by Mexicans (racism is the best!). It mostly is used in reference to shaving one's special, bad touch areas but can also encompass grooming of any hair. I for one am all for Manscaping.. Listen fellas, nobody wants to get with a one eyebrowed, disheveled wilder-beast. I really don't need to see any canopies walking around the beach either. Trim that tumble weed...it's really quite freeing. I'm not saying you shave it smooth... nobody wants a school zone down there. Things need to be done in moderation. Besides that really itches.
If you're worried that it's not "manly" to shave Kool and the Gang then I really have only one piece of advice for you...stop being a wuss. There is nothing less manly then worrying so much about what makes you manly or not. I've seen some dudes in a dress that are twice as manly as me...scary as hell though. Besides it's not really all that difficult to trim a little...takes about five seconds once a week. If you need to feel like a man, go break something and put it back together incorrectly, or just drive around and not ask for directions...Only you can prevent forest fires!
So today's request comes from my buddy Rex who wants me to write about manscaping. Lucky for Rex I'm kind of a know it all so I'd be happy to write extensively on the subject.
For those of you not in the know "manscaping" is the clever word pun that basically refers to a man's grooming, but doesn't just have to be done by Mexicans (racism is the best!). It mostly is used in reference to shaving one's special, bad touch areas but can also encompass grooming of any hair. I for one am all for Manscaping.. Listen fellas, nobody wants to get with a one eyebrowed, disheveled wilder-beast. I really don't need to see any canopies walking around the beach either. Trim that tumble weed...it's really quite freeing. I'm not saying you shave it smooth... nobody wants a school zone down there. Things need to be done in moderation. Besides that really itches.
If you're worried that it's not "manly" to shave Kool and the Gang then I really have only one piece of advice for you...stop being a wuss. There is nothing less manly then worrying so much about what makes you manly or not. I've seen some dudes in a dress that are twice as manly as me...scary as hell though. Besides it's not really all that difficult to trim a little...takes about five seconds once a week. If you need to feel like a man, go break something and put it back together incorrectly, or just drive around and not ask for directions...Only you can prevent forest fires!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I used to be so damn funny
Finally a few helpful hints for when you are listening on the phone.
1. If you find yourself not paying attention and the person you are talking with catches you, just say you were going through a tunnel.
2. End each sentance with either "niner" or "over." And start each sentance with "banana."
3. Answer the phone scream "Caaaaptaaaaaiiiiin Caaaaaaveeeeemaaaaan!" and then hang up.
4. Call someone and then ask them "So where are you at?" (This doesn't work as well if you are calling their cell phone)
5. If someone you don't want to talk to calls you just tell them that your phone doesn't work.
6. Call someone and when they pick up just keep dialing numbers. Once the people catch on tell them to hold on because you are doing your taxes and ask if they know where the "+" sign is.
7. Get a friend and ask them to make prank phone calls with you. Then call someone and once they answer pull down your pants and moon the phone...then hang up and start laughing...then no matter what your friend says say "You're just mad because you didn't think of it."
8. Answer the phone and say "How many times do I have to tell you that I won't accept a collect call from Georgie Porgie." Then hang up.
9. Start dialing random numbers and try selling things that you don't use and are just lieing around the house.
10. For you answering machine message leave a busy signal.
11. Call someone and ask them if their phone smells like feet.
12. Next time someone calls and asks you to switch long distance plans tell them you already have a set of encylopedias.
13. Call the operator and ask if they have done any surgeries today...then laugh uncontrollably
14. Carry your cordless phone around with you and insist on telling people that it is your mobile phone.
15. Call a random number and order 6 tacos and 5 corndogs, with a side of meatballs, then say there is an extra fiver if you get it here in 15 minutes.
16. Phones just aren't really all that fun.
i have writers block!
So waaaaaaaaaay back when I got my first computer and I was at my old 24k speed modem I had a webpage called...www.users.uswest.net/~bige52...Today I decided to go back and read some of the things I wrote. The very first thing I ever made was a wacky page with a bright red background and green font that was just a scanned picture of Joel Pryzbilla, and me talking about how I wanted the same basketball shoes. But then I also had this list of things which I called "Number 1s" because Letterman had a top 10 but mine were all number one. Here is the first one I wrote and I think it's pretty damn funny for a 17 year old!
Things to do in/on the airport/airplane
1. Ask the guy next to you if he could hold on to your bowling ball candle while he is on the plane.
2. Try starting the wave.
3. While waiting for the plane keep winking at the pay phone, and say "I see ya baby."
4. If you are asked what seat number you have say "the nosebleed section" then laugh three and a half times.
5. Get on the plane last, and when you walk down the row give everyone high fives.
6. Try to get everyone line dancing.
7. Stand up on the plane and ask if anyone has seen your pet snake. Then say that he's probably chasing your pet rat.
8. When they ask you if you want something to drink say "No thanks. I'm a vegetarian."
9. Sit in the isle and say to the person near the window "Hey it's a little stuffy in here, do you think you could open the window for a little bit?" Then no matter what they say respond with 'Hey, no need to get snippy about it."
10. Always wear a snorkel when you're on the plane.
11. Ask the flight attendant for a doggy bag for your barf bag.
12. As soon as you get on the plane start grabbing all the pillows you can find, and try to make a fort
13. Keep calling the flight attendant "waitress" and the person next to you "Joe".
14. Every 7 minutes scream out DA DA DA DA DADA CHARGE!!!!
15. Say to the guy next to you "Man, this is the strangest train I've ever been on!"
16. If there is a woman next to you say "I sure hope the movie is a porno"...and start singing some kind of porno music.
17. When you get on the plane sign as loud as you can "I believe I can fly, I believe the can touch the sky..."
18. Keep insisting that you smell jet fuel.
19. Keep repeating out loud "The planes in Spain fall mainly while it rains."
1. Ask the guy next to you if he could hold on to your bowling ball candle while he is on the plane.
2. Try starting the wave.
3. While waiting for the plane keep winking at the pay phone, and say "I see ya baby."
4. If you are asked what seat number you have say "the nosebleed section" then laugh three and a half times.
5. Get on the plane last, and when you walk down the row give everyone high fives.
6. Try to get everyone line dancing.
7. Stand up on the plane and ask if anyone has seen your pet snake. Then say that he's probably chasing your pet rat.
8. When they ask you if you want something to drink say "No thanks. I'm a vegetarian."
9. Sit in the isle and say to the person near the window "Hey it's a little stuffy in here, do you think you could open the window for a little bit?" Then no matter what they say respond with 'Hey, no need to get snippy about it."
10. Always wear a snorkel when you're on the plane.
11. Ask the flight attendant for a doggy bag for your barf bag.
12. As soon as you get on the plane start grabbing all the pillows you can find, and try to make a fort
13. Keep calling the flight attendant "waitress" and the person next to you "Joe".
14. Every 7 minutes scream out DA DA DA DA DADA CHARGE!!!!
15. Say to the guy next to you "Man, this is the strangest train I've ever been on!"
16. If there is a woman next to you say "I sure hope the movie is a porno"...and start singing some kind of porno music.
17. When you get on the plane sign as loud as you can "I believe I can fly, I believe the can touch the sky..."
18. Keep insisting that you smell jet fuel.
19. Keep repeating out loud "The planes in Spain fall mainly while it rains."
Friday, September 9, 2011
Should I try to write again?
I think I might try to start writing for the paper again. Although I'm not even sure they would have me. I definitely have a unique perspective on life that I think others in the area need to hear. Being a gay man, one who was “known” in the area I feel my voice still has some weight. But my thoughts of writing do not come without reservations. I am not scared to say what I think. I'm not fearful of being harmed for writing about being a gay man in Northern Minnesota. I have no fear of being ostracized in the community. Oh I'm sure there will be a lot of gossip, but that's nothing new. I'm sure it will be just like before, some people will love me, others will hate me quietly. My main concern is that my father will still be here. Where as before he was so proud to read my articles and hear others talk about it, I'm not sure he will feel the same way about what I want to say now. Then again he will most likely deal with it in his midwest manner of just ignoring that it exists and going about his day as usual.
But I have a lot to say. Especially since next year the state of Minnesota will be voting on whether to deny gays the right to marry. Not only do I have a lot to say about being gay but I also have much to say about the community. It is dieing...slowly. It is sad to see and there are so many resistant to change. Someone has to speak up. We need jobs, we need education, and we need an open mind. Eh...may be it's not a great idea that I write for the paper, I feel like I'd be writing looking to start a fight.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Here's the problem...
Ok i don't know what the problem is but damned if I don't have all the answers. Today is my day off from work. I really don't know what to do with myself on my days off. I have a hard enough time trying to be sane for the 30 minutes each workday I have to myself...let alone an entire day!!?!??! It's too much...i can't handle it. Everything I do I feel like I should be doing something else. Last time I had a day off I drove to work and studied and did laundry...and ended up doing work for free...and I prefer that to this!
Today I cleaned up my dads house a little and chatted with him...it shouldn't be hard to talk with your father but maaaaaaan...ugh. He's always loved to tell me the story about how when my mom first had cancer and started treatment, she found out she was pregnant with me...how the doctor said I was a miracle...and how I was the only baby to make it..blah blah blah. It really is a nice story if you hear it...the problem is that I really can't believe any story he tells anymore so who knows...for all I know they found me in a trash can at Hardee's and decided to keep me (pleeeease let this be true). Anyway since he found out I'm off the vagina this story has taken a new twist and therefor has moved up on his list of stories. So now I hear about Homer the wonder dog, how my highschool math teacher Mrs. Bidle told him i was so smart (which probably went something like, "Derek is really smart...but he refuses to do his homework.) and now how I was hooked up to a million tubes and wires as a baby and how he was mad about it but the nun told him it was ok because I was the only one to be able to hold a bottle...(i was always a really good eater so that's probably true). But then he says, "Yeah the doctor said you could have changes later in life...I don't know what he meant by that." Aka "It's ok your gay..." I love the guy but...he's crazy as a loon.
Anyway like I said I've been working a lot. I work at work...i eat at work...i sleep at work...I take my days off at work...I dream about work...work work work work. AAAAAAAaaand I'm still poor. Go figure. Being back up north is both a strange mix of relaxing and frustrating. There are times at night when the sun is going down and the lake is calm and the docks are empty and I feel almost at peace, then usually someone farts (me) and the moment passes. No really all I am missing is someone to sit next to me (cue the dramatic and slightly sad violin music).
Besides that, I've been attempting to remind myself that there is a world out there by reading the news...which reminds me...Michele Bachman's husband is flaaaaming. It both makes me laugh and a little sick that heruns a clinic that "teaches gays how to be straight." I've seen slinkys that are straighter than that dude. It's one thing to be in the closet...it's another to fool around on the downlow...it's a new low to spend your time to convince others that being gay is wrong just so you can feel better about yourself.
Today I cleaned up my dads house a little and chatted with him...it shouldn't be hard to talk with your father but maaaaaaan...ugh. He's always loved to tell me the story about how when my mom first had cancer and started treatment, she found out she was pregnant with me...how the doctor said I was a miracle...and how I was the only baby to make it..blah blah blah. It really is a nice story if you hear it...the problem is that I really can't believe any story he tells anymore so who knows...for all I know they found me in a trash can at Hardee's and decided to keep me (pleeeease let this be true). Anyway since he found out I'm off the vagina this story has taken a new twist and therefor has moved up on his list of stories. So now I hear about Homer the wonder dog, how my highschool math teacher Mrs. Bidle told him i was so smart (which probably went something like, "Derek is really smart...but he refuses to do his homework.) and now how I was hooked up to a million tubes and wires as a baby and how he was mad about it but the nun told him it was ok because I was the only one to be able to hold a bottle...(i was always a really good eater so that's probably true). But then he says, "Yeah the doctor said you could have changes later in life...I don't know what he meant by that." Aka "It's ok your gay..." I love the guy but...he's crazy as a loon.
Anyway like I said I've been working a lot. I work at work...i eat at work...i sleep at work...I take my days off at work...I dream about work...work work work work. AAAAAAAaaand I'm still poor. Go figure. Being back up north is both a strange mix of relaxing and frustrating. There are times at night when the sun is going down and the lake is calm and the docks are empty and I feel almost at peace, then usually someone farts (me) and the moment passes. No really all I am missing is someone to sit next to me (cue the dramatic and slightly sad violin music).
Besides that, I've been attempting to remind myself that there is a world out there by reading the news...which reminds me...Michele Bachman's husband is flaaaaming. It both makes me laugh and a little sick that heruns a clinic that "teaches gays how to be straight." I've seen slinkys that are straighter than that dude. It's one thing to be in the closet...it's another to fool around on the downlow...it's a new low to spend your time to convince others that being gay is wrong just so you can feel better about yourself.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Minneapolis Pride...who knew?
Part 1
So one day I was at work devouring a pizza when I get a few texts from my cousin. She was very excited about me going down to the cities and she may have been drinking as the message didn't quite make sense to me. First of all...I was not aware that I had any days off. Apparently she had set it all up for me so that I could enjoy one day of pride in sunny Minneapolis, MN.
So I finished work on Saturday, showered in a houseboat, put on my best driving clothes and jumped into the Trailblazer. It wasn't long before I was completely bored. I tried listening to my Spanish lessons but I was too busy day dreaming about the upcoming weekend. What was pride in Minnesota going to be like?!?! I hadn't exactly had the greatest of times at any pride in Texas...well that's not true. I had great times at each Pride but really it was just because I was with fun people...everything else was kind of an after thought. So as I made my way down to the big city I called my cousin to see what she had instore....turns out that she had nothing instore. In fact...she wasn't even answering the phone. Luckily my other cousin was more than willing to pick up the slack and we made plans to spend the evening. So I spent the first night eating sushi and taking in all the action going around me. After a brief sleep my other cousin called me in the morning to inform me that I was not only going to the parade...but I was actually IN the parade. So I just kind of went with it.
The good thing was that I actually got to see a lot of the parade. We were something like the 116th group/float and it was nearish the end. Also I wasn't complaining that we were behind this badass all black drum line either. As I watched the floats go past waiting for our turn a few things struck me...first of all, there were a lot of floats that really have nothing to do with gay pride. Like the END WAR float. Sure, I guess on the surface that is a good thought. War usually sucks for all involved...but what does that have to do with gay pride? I guess you have to think of them as an organization and not the message but that is difficult to do. I just didnt' really like that there were people trying to "end war" while the rest of us are trying to get equality. Let's stay on message here.
Another thing that I knew would happen but was still surprised people bothered were the strange protesters there. There would be these random guys with cardboard signs and messages written on them. They all really looked homeless to me, which is why I guess they have the kind of time to try to go by themselves to convince gay people god hates them. The thing I really didn't understand was how little effort they put into it! I mean for real...you're trying to convince a group of gay dudes dressed in Gucci that your path is the right path and you show up with pants 4 sizes to big held together by an orange extension cord, and two different sized shoes!?!? Also...he had spelled lesbian wrong. I tried telling him that but I think he just thought I said being a lesbian was wrong and he started to talk with me and I just kept throwing candy at him until he went away.
Finally it came time for us to walk and that's when I realized another flaw in our plan...we were throwing the worst candy ever! Who the hell wants those gross ass red and white mint candies you get for free at every business everywhere!?!? If our group was handing out that candy for Halloween we would of been egged for sure. Here we are trying to bribe children to believe gays are cool and we are handing them inferior candy...hell half of the kids I gave it to threw it back at us....
So one day I was at work devouring a pizza when I get a few texts from my cousin. She was very excited about me going down to the cities and she may have been drinking as the message didn't quite make sense to me. First of all...I was not aware that I had any days off. Apparently she had set it all up for me so that I could enjoy one day of pride in sunny Minneapolis, MN.
So I finished work on Saturday, showered in a houseboat, put on my best driving clothes and jumped into the Trailblazer. It wasn't long before I was completely bored. I tried listening to my Spanish lessons but I was too busy day dreaming about the upcoming weekend. What was pride in Minnesota going to be like?!?! I hadn't exactly had the greatest of times at any pride in Texas...well that's not true. I had great times at each Pride but really it was just because I was with fun people...everything else was kind of an after thought. So as I made my way down to the big city I called my cousin to see what she had instore....turns out that she had nothing instore. In fact...she wasn't even answering the phone. Luckily my other cousin was more than willing to pick up the slack and we made plans to spend the evening. So I spent the first night eating sushi and taking in all the action going around me. After a brief sleep my other cousin called me in the morning to inform me that I was not only going to the parade...but I was actually IN the parade. So I just kind of went with it.
The good thing was that I actually got to see a lot of the parade. We were something like the 116th group/float and it was nearish the end. Also I wasn't complaining that we were behind this badass all black drum line either. As I watched the floats go past waiting for our turn a few things struck me...first of all, there were a lot of floats that really have nothing to do with gay pride. Like the END WAR float. Sure, I guess on the surface that is a good thought. War usually sucks for all involved...but what does that have to do with gay pride? I guess you have to think of them as an organization and not the message but that is difficult to do. I just didnt' really like that there were people trying to "end war" while the rest of us are trying to get equality. Let's stay on message here.
Another thing that I knew would happen but was still surprised people bothered were the strange protesters there. There would be these random guys with cardboard signs and messages written on them. They all really looked homeless to me, which is why I guess they have the kind of time to try to go by themselves to convince gay people god hates them. The thing I really didn't understand was how little effort they put into it! I mean for real...you're trying to convince a group of gay dudes dressed in Gucci that your path is the right path and you show up with pants 4 sizes to big held together by an orange extension cord, and two different sized shoes!?!? Also...he had spelled lesbian wrong. I tried telling him that but I think he just thought I said being a lesbian was wrong and he started to talk with me and I just kept throwing candy at him until he went away.
Finally it came time for us to walk and that's when I realized another flaw in our plan...we were throwing the worst candy ever! Who the hell wants those gross ass red and white mint candies you get for free at every business everywhere!?!? If our group was handing out that candy for Halloween we would of been egged for sure. Here we are trying to bribe children to believe gays are cool and we are handing them inferior candy...hell half of the kids I gave it to threw it back at us....
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