Bum, bum, bum, bum, BUM

I usually don't like ripping on people...ok that's a lie.  Um...I usually don't like ripping on those less fortunate than myself...Ok, for real I fucking love ripping on people.  It's a lot of fun (A LOT).  I don't care if you're crippled or retarded, funny is funny (haha retards).  If people didn't get so butt hurt about things life would be a lot better for everyone (mostly me).  Anyway there is one group of people that lately has really been chapping my ass (i have been wanting to use the phrase chapping my ass for too long!).  BUMS.  I hate bums and they are everywhere.  First, there is this lady (i think) on Riverside and I35.  Shes' way to fucking happy.  It makes me want to slit my wrists.  It's 100 degrees and she's outside  dancing and smiling like she just had her first kiss!  HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPIER THAN ME!!!  There's also the guys that carry around the squeegee and try to wash your windows.  I appreciate that they are doing me a service in exchange for quarters, but if they hadn't stole the fucking squeegee from the gas station I'd of been able to wash my own damn window!  Also...where exactly did you find that muddy ass water?

Those bums don't bother me as much as the guys downtown.  They are annoying and aggressive.  There is nothing that makes me angrier than driving around down town for 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot only to find a bum standing in one, waving me in and expecting me to give him money for it.  Listen buddy, if I am willing to waste my life driving around for 20 minutes looking for street parking because I'm too cheap to park in a parking lot, I sure as hell am not going to give you money for standing in the god damn way!  Last week I actually had to yell at a bum.  There were two spots magically open and standing there were two bums. I parked and the guy hit me up for money to which I said ,"I only have check card."  He said, "I'll go to an ATM."  I said, "Yeah sure, I'll meet you there."  Then he puts his hands on my window and puts his face up to it to see if he can see change in my car.  I freak out on him and he runs away.

There are also the "Hey I'm your buddy" bums.  These guys usually amuse me more than annoy me.  There was this one strange man who was started walking with me when I was on my way to my car.  He starts up conversation by telling me I shouldn't jay walk because he got a $250 fine once...of course he was jay walking with me at the time.  He also smells like a mixture of urine and old bananas.  He then starts telling me that his friend ditched him downtown and that he really needs a ride to the tire shop to pick up his tire so he can get out of there.  He pulls out his wallet and tells me he has $30 dollars if I'll give him a ride.  He clearly has exactly 1 dollar in his wallet and a coupon for walgreens.  He asks if he can use my phone to call his friend.  I let him (risky but I wanted to see where this was going).  I dial the number for him...which happened to be only 9 digits long.  I tell him he needs one more number but he insists  that is it.  Obviously it doesn't work.  He then asks if I'll just give him a ride to the tire shop so he can pick up his tire and be on his way.  To which I respond, "It's 3 AM.  There aren't any tire shops open and you sure as hell aren't going to be able to pay them with a  Walgreens coupon."  I then tell him to go away and he does.

My favorite guy though and a guy i actually did give money too was this guy just the other night.  I found parking and he was nearby and as I'm walking past he says, "Wow that was lucky you found great parking."  I say, "yep."  Then he follows me a little and he says in the most pleasant voice I've ever heard a bum use, "Can I make a suggestion on where you should go?"  I am intrigued, I am thinking, "Yes Mr. Bum...where should i go?"  So I ask him and he says, "Do you like Jazz?"  I say that I do, and he says, "Well you should go somewhere they have jazz music."  hahahaha.  I loved that.  So I gave him a dollar.