Now my writing is probably going to be pretty gayed up for a little bit. It’ll be a lot like my old writing but more glittery and if you read it too much you’ll probably turn homosexual. (Sorry that’s just how it works) I’ve always liked writing and now I can share with you some of the stories I have. The purpose of these writings will hopefully show people that it’s just not that different. Also I know some people who care for me are interested in my shenanigans so maybe this will quench that thirst slightly. Mainly though, I like it when people read what I write…I’m an attention whore like that.
Today I’ll share with you the first time I went to one of those homosexual dance clubs. I wrote it then so I’ll just leave it as if it just happened. So much has changed…ok not really.
…tonight I did something for the first time. I went to a gay bar all by myself, like a big boy (look ma no hands!). 2 days ago was the first time I ever went to a gay bar, but that was with a friend. And by friend I mean some guy I had just met who didn’t seem the type to murder me in my sleep (BFFs fo’ life). I didn’t want to go by myself but I decided I needed to stop being a wuss and just bite the bullet and go. Mostly it was because if I spent one more night on the couch I was going to go on a murdering spree, and you would of seen my picture on the news and you’d of been all, “Oh snap I think that guy sent me a message on facebook…I knew he was an ax murderer. I could tell by the way he listed “ax murdering” in his Interests and his Activities.” So I went out. Now that I knew where the bar was I figured what the duck…couldn’t hurt.
Instantly upon entering the bar my glaring social shortcomings came to light. I have no ability to walk up to someone in the club. First off, I need a better pick up line than, “Yo THICKNESS! You gonna let me hit that or what!?!?” Seriously though, it wasn’t like I was there to meet someone, I just wanted to make some friends and explore. The problem with meeting someone at the club is that I want to get to know you. It's really hard to get to know someone though with strobe lights, loud music, and they are slightly in the bag. Basically conversation breaks down to yelling spittle in each other's faces...not exactly ideal. So my big idea...let them come to me. Genius right? I decided for the first time in my life to put out, “the vibe.” Turns out that look, for me, is an odd mixture of “I really have to pee” + “I just peed.” So I scrapped the entire, “The Vibe” plan and I pretty much just stood on the wall like I was at my first high school dance. I don't really drink, I can't dance, and I squint a lot....which makes me look like I'm scowling. To counter act this I decided to stand there not squinting as much as possible. So if you saw a dude in the corner standing next to the garbage can looking like an owl...that was me. SEX EEEEEE! After not squinting for a while I decided what I needed was a drink in my hand. Obviously this was what was keeping everyone from fighting over my phone number. They would see me standing next to the garbage and think, "Wow he looks like an owl...and he has a drink...I want." So I went to the bar to get a drink... Diet Coke. It was free! Realizing that I now had the super power to drink as much free Diet Coke as I wanted, I took full advantage...now that I think about it, I ended up tipping like 5 bucks that night so really I didn't come out ahead, but still I'm going to say I took them for all they were worth. The problem with this plan was that I now became the wide eyed guy standing next to the garbage that also spends a suspicious amount of time going into the bathroom (stud?).
After some time at the bar staring at people and spending more time on my phone looking up basketball scores than I care to admit, I did a loop and I ran into my friend. He was basically the only person I knew who was gay. He introduced me to his friend and now I knew two gay people (100% increase…success). Around the same time a friend messaged me and said I should go to a different club called Rain. Not really being familiar with the area, I had no idea where this Rain could be located but I figured it would be better than standing where I was, feelin’ like a fool. I looked it up on my phone and realized it was right next door…S-M-R-T. For some reason I decided to just take a walk around the block first, and midway back wouldn’t you know it…It started to rain. Of course it was pouring, and I was stuck at a cross walk with nowhere to go, when two girls came up next to me and both had umbrellas. We exchanged glances and I thought I had communicated, “Hey ladies help me out and hold your umbrella over my head while we wait for this light.” But apparently what I said was, “Hey ladies please both stand right next to me so not only do you not cover me with your umbrellas but the runoff from your umbrellas goes directly on me.” I really have to work on my subtle eye contact conversations. I decided to just run across the road, cars be damned (frogger anyone?) only to find that there was a line to get in the bar called Rain. Luckily there was an awning…unluckily the line was just long enough where I wasn’t under it. It didn’t matter though, I was already soaking wet.
Eventually I made it into Rain and didn’t really understand the difference between that and the other bar I was just in. But I bought a diet coke…walked around…decided to go back to the other bar and use the bathroom because the line was too long at Rain.
Then I spent the rest of the night trying to act natural…which of course made me even more un-natural. The only people I talked with were a transvestite with a moustache and a super drunk straight 45 year old woman who told me I was the most gorgeous person she had ever seen. I admit I was still flattered and felt almost good about myself for 10 seconds until she started throwing up in and around the garbage can I was standing next to.
Today I’ll share with you the first time I went to one of those homosexual dance clubs. I wrote it then so I’ll just leave it as if it just happened. So much has changed…ok not really.
…tonight I did something for the first time. I went to a gay bar all by myself, like a big boy (look ma no hands!). 2 days ago was the first time I ever went to a gay bar, but that was with a friend. And by friend I mean some guy I had just met who didn’t seem the type to murder me in my sleep (BFFs fo’ life). I didn’t want to go by myself but I decided I needed to stop being a wuss and just bite the bullet and go. Mostly it was because if I spent one more night on the couch I was going to go on a murdering spree, and you would of seen my picture on the news and you’d of been all, “Oh snap I think that guy sent me a message on facebook…I knew he was an ax murderer. I could tell by the way he listed “ax murdering” in his Interests and his Activities.” So I went out. Now that I knew where the bar was I figured what the duck…couldn’t hurt.
Instantly upon entering the bar my glaring social shortcomings came to light. I have no ability to walk up to someone in the club. First off, I need a better pick up line than, “Yo THICKNESS! You gonna let me hit that or what!?!?” Seriously though, it wasn’t like I was there to meet someone, I just wanted to make some friends and explore. The problem with meeting someone at the club is that I want to get to know you. It's really hard to get to know someone though with strobe lights, loud music, and they are slightly in the bag. Basically conversation breaks down to yelling spittle in each other's faces...not exactly ideal. So my big idea...let them come to me. Genius right? I decided for the first time in my life to put out, “the vibe.” Turns out that look, for me, is an odd mixture of “I really have to pee” + “I just peed.” So I scrapped the entire, “The Vibe” plan and I pretty much just stood on the wall like I was at my first high school dance. I don't really drink, I can't dance, and I squint a lot....which makes me look like I'm scowling. To counter act this I decided to stand there not squinting as much as possible. So if you saw a dude in the corner standing next to the garbage can looking like an owl...that was me. SEX EEEEEE! After not squinting for a while I decided what I needed was a drink in my hand. Obviously this was what was keeping everyone from fighting over my phone number. They would see me standing next to the garbage and think, "Wow he looks like an owl...and he has a drink...I want." So I went to the bar to get a drink... Diet Coke. It was free! Realizing that I now had the super power to drink as much free Diet Coke as I wanted, I took full advantage...now that I think about it, I ended up tipping like 5 bucks that night so really I didn't come out ahead, but still I'm going to say I took them for all they were worth. The problem with this plan was that I now became the wide eyed guy standing next to the garbage that also spends a suspicious amount of time going into the bathroom (stud?).
After some time at the bar staring at people and spending more time on my phone looking up basketball scores than I care to admit, I did a loop and I ran into my friend. He was basically the only person I knew who was gay. He introduced me to his friend and now I knew two gay people (100% increase…success). Around the same time a friend messaged me and said I should go to a different club called Rain. Not really being familiar with the area, I had no idea where this Rain could be located but I figured it would be better than standing where I was, feelin’ like a fool. I looked it up on my phone and realized it was right next door…S-M-R-T. For some reason I decided to just take a walk around the block first, and midway back wouldn’t you know it…It started to rain. Of course it was pouring, and I was stuck at a cross walk with nowhere to go, when two girls came up next to me and both had umbrellas. We exchanged glances and I thought I had communicated, “Hey ladies help me out and hold your umbrella over my head while we wait for this light.” But apparently what I said was, “Hey ladies please both stand right next to me so not only do you not cover me with your umbrellas but the runoff from your umbrellas goes directly on me.” I really have to work on my subtle eye contact conversations. I decided to just run across the road, cars be damned (frogger anyone?) only to find that there was a line to get in the bar called Rain. Luckily there was an awning…unluckily the line was just long enough where I wasn’t under it. It didn’t matter though, I was already soaking wet.
Eventually I made it into Rain and didn’t really understand the difference between that and the other bar I was just in. But I bought a diet coke…walked around…decided to go back to the other bar and use the bathroom because the line was too long at Rain.
Then I spent the rest of the night trying to act natural…which of course made me even more un-natural. The only people I talked with were a transvestite with a moustache and a super drunk straight 45 year old woman who told me I was the most gorgeous person she had ever seen. I admit I was still flattered and felt almost good about myself for 10 seconds until she started throwing up in and around the garbage can I was standing next to.
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