Dear Straight Man,

Of the different groups of people in the world I would say that straight men are the most scared of homosexuals. For whatever reason some of them find it very threatening. At their best I would say most straight men are indifferent. I’m not going to even get into the whole psychological reasons for this, because as a straight man…you don’t want to hear it. But there are plenty of reasons why you should be wishing for a day when gay and straight men not only have equal rights but are seen as equal in society.

I’m a straight man. Could of fooled me, but having gay friends has a lot of benefits. First of all, gay men are no threat to your ability to woo a woman. In fact, just the opposite. For whatever reason, many gay men have a lot of straight female friends. How many of your bro’s have flocks of straight female friends? But my friend Steve knows a lot of females. True…your buddy Steve is a chick magnet/slut. However, how many of them has he already hooked up with? I’m fine with sloppy seconds. How many of them does he want to hook up with? All of them. And how many are trying to hook up him? The rest of them. You notice one thing? None of Steve’s friends that are girls are friends with Steve because they want to hook up with you. Funny how that works.

Now imagine that next week you leave your buddy Steve at home to watch World Series of Poker on ESPN and to crush cans with his forehead (this is obviously what I used to do when I was straight). Instead you go out with your gay best friend…uh…Erik (super gay name…Erik). First of all, Erik probably has lady friends. These are going to be females who spend time with Erik because he represents everything they want in a man and is safe, but they are also sexually frustrated because they have no chance with him. Let’s be honest…this is your best chance at anything. Let’s ask the same questions. How many of them has Erik hooked up with? I’m so sure. How many does he want to hook up with? Shoot me now. How many are trying to hook up with him? Goose egg. Have you noticed how there is no competition? That makes the game a little easier and you need all the help you can get. The question is really…why should a gay man want to hang out with you?

I already have a girlfriend, thank you very much. If for some reason you already have a woman you should REALLY be ok with homosexuals. Every straight man should bring their girl to the gay club. She does kind of nag me for never bringing her out. Yeah, well you’re kind of a douche and probably should. Bringing her to a gay club, there is ZERO chance she leaves with another man (unless you’re really bad at this). She has no other options besides you. I hate dancing though. You don’t even have to dance. Go buy a beer and stand and watch. What if some dude grinds her? Uh…he’s gay, it might as well be your grandmother. Ok fine, but what if some chick starts hitting on her? Think about that again. OH MY GOD…she could totally make out with another chick…wait there are lesbians everywhere!! Yeah I knew you’d come around. Fine but I don’t want any gay dudes hitting on me. If someone hits on you, tell them you’re straight. We don’t have pamphlets like you have…we’re not trying to send you to Camp Rainbow and convert you. Also get over yourself