Finally found my true love

     For those of you who aren't yet aware, I'm quite the catch.  First off, I'm handsome.  How do I know?  My Grandma Till used to tell me that every Christmas...of course she also would tell me I was going bald and getting fat, but usually that wasn't until after I would make fun of her for being old for a good 20 minutes.  I really miss that old bat.  Secondly, I'm a catch because I smell good (like chili), am handy to have around (I can reach things up high AND low), don't mind killing spiders or snakes (as long as I have oven mitts and salad tongs), and I'm really good at finding the remote, but I'm not giving it up so don't even ask.
     So with all this obvious awesomeness it is no wonder that I finally found my one true love...that's right, the mistress of the night, Lady Karaoke.  Turns out...I feel about karaoke like my sister in law feels about corn...I FUCKIN' LOVE IT! 
     I never knew I loved karaoke until I moved to Austin.  May be it's because I have a strange crush on Willie Nelson, or that Austin is the live music capital of the world, but I love it.  Well truthfully i suppose my first brush with karaoke was playing Rockband on my Xbox 360 (NERD!).  While i was in Duluth living in the Shermer basement/dungeon I would frequently sing by myself pretending I was entertaining the masses, but really just annoying the mice that lived above my room.
     Moving to Austin I was a little overwhelmed by the sudden lack of knowing people (but pleased with the sudden influx of BBQ).  One day I just decided I needed to go hang out at the bar and try to meet some people (ANYONE!) As you might know I'm not the best drinker in the world...my first drink resulted in me beating up the floor with my face. (Face-0 Floor-1).  So this time I decided to just drink diet coke (classy/manly).  So at first I just kind of watched people (lurked).  I'm shy and weird and just stood in the corner next to the garbage can drinking diet cokes and looking at sports pages on my cell phone (go rockets!).  It doesn't help that clubs are dark and I can barely see so really I just squint at people...not my best face.  I finally drank so much diet coke that I had to go pee about every 20 minutes...so I was officially changed from the weird guy who was standing next to the garbage can and drinking diet coke, to the weird guy who was hanging out in the bathroom way more than any normal person should (still sexy though).  Finally I decided to just try out this karaoke.  They had my favorite song to sing, "Say it ain't so". So i figured it was Divine intervention.
    I have to admit.  For the first time since I can remember I was actually really nervous.  I hadn't been on stage for a while and while the bar wasn't exactly packed it was full enough.  Also I had ZERO support and diet coke really doesn't give me much liquid courage.  Still I climbed to the top of the stage (hero?).  I was actually trembling when the music started.  I covered my face with the mic, and looked straight down at the words.  I could feel my leg shaking.  I think people thought I was dancing and excused me for being off beat because I was the whitest person they had ever seen.  I think when I got on stage I heard a Latino dude say, "Holy shit is he dying?"
     Finally the song started and all my nerves went away and I just sang my bacon clogged heart out.  While I was singing this lady snuck on stage and grabbed my ass...she was a hundred years old, completely wasted, missing clumps of hair, but I was still flattered.  Afterwards I looked up and people were cheering and clapping, probably no more than being polite, but in my head I was like, FUCK YEAH!  So i strutted off stage with some swagger and instantly this man came up to me and started telling me how awesome I was (per usual).  Of course I let him continue even though he smelled suspiciously like he hadn't seen a shower since 1975. After stroking my already overly inflated ego he started talking about how he was finally off his medication and only smoking pot...then he continued to tell me he was moving to Hawaii to start a pot farm and that I would be just the guy to go with him.  Apparently being able to kind of sing Weezer qualifies me for starting a pot farm with a homeless guy.  If things in Austin don't work out I think I just may take him up on that offer.
     That's the nice thing about Karaoke.  You meet people.  True usually it's people I never want to see again in my life.  Last night I was at Karaoke and the oldest lady in the bar came up to me and told me I was beautiful.  Then she went on to tell me about how she stays in Texas because she is tall and wants to stand out, just when I was about to think that my crazy hair=crazy person theory was wrong she for some reason started mocking my friend Pius because he's Asian.  I was actually pretty mad about it because it's my job to make fun of Pius for him being Asian.  Randomly she started talking in her best "engrish" impression and was doing a terrible Charlie Chan impression.  Of course her love for me didn't subside when I sang "Runaround Sue" and "Under the Boardwalk" both songs that were probably popular when she was...50?  I dunno.  She was weird but I accidentaly crushed her hand when I shook it...so I guess we are even?
    
until next time,

D