These past few weeks I have been concentrating on finding a job IN Austin. Because well...I WANT! Here is the problem with trying to find a job...it's a lot of work. I fill out application after application and nobody ever calls...or writes. I feel like grandma stuck in a home.
Week one: I'm just going to fill out applications for jobs I think I'd be good at or ones that seem interesting. The standards are pretty high. I think I applied to be President of a rocket surgery company. It's week one and I'm feeling confident. Who wouldn't want me? I'm smart, friendly and I usually smell like beef jerky...pretty much the perfect candidate for any job.
Week two: The standards have dropped. Suddenly jobs that seemed beneath a man of my stature are seeming increasingly amazing. I'm almost able to convince myself of anything. Why yes being a bouncer at a bar would be a wonderful opportunity. Forget the fact that I have no ability to actually be a bouncer at a bar and that if an actual fight were to break out I would try to fix it by throwing women and children at them. Doesn't matter... It would leave me time during the daylight to do my real job and to pursue my life long dream of world domination by eating one hamburger at a time (I'm not going to get into details on how this happens...more of a big picture type of guy. Just know that eating enough hamburger will lead to me ruling the world, so you better be nice to me.) During this time I am forgiving jobs for not being interesting or worthwhile but focusing on ones that will lead to straight cash homie.
It is now Week 3 though...and Week 3 means the gloves are off. I'm applying for any job, anywhere. What's that you need someone with three years of diaper changing experience to take care of the elderly? I can lie about that...You need a nanny? I make a mean grilled cheese....you're kid is 10 months you say? I'll just put it in the blender...the grilled cheese, not the baby. I see you're hiring for ambulance drivers? Yeah sure I can make my resume say I'm EMT certified...how often do people really need to be rescued anyway? You want me to work fastfood? Why not...only on nights, weekends and holidays? Sure I'll say I'll do that...
Why I really need is a job that my talents will benefit. The problem is that my talents are pretty much as follows:
1. I have a great ability to be snarky and sarcastic. So much so that I sometimes have trouble figuring out whether I'm being genuine or not.
2. I have exceptionally blond hair. Not sure how this is a talent but I'm trying to work it in.
3. I can eat large amounts of meat. It's almost scary...my colon cries at night.
4. As you can see I can count to at least 4.
E. I am able to lift 20 lbs above my head.
I think I'm just going to run for office...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment