down with the sickness

Sometimes to make the world think that I am human I get sick…today is one of those days. It’s a busy week for me and being sick is not in my agenda therefore I have petitioned the virus that is infecting my body for a stay of illness. I’ve filled out all the proper forms, had them notarized, and submitted them to the correct authorities…but you know bureaucrats…it’s going to take a few days before I feel better…yeah I can’t tell if that was clever or really lame either.
Even though I am a snarky jerk, I secretly try to look on the good side of things…it’s what keeps me from jumping off tall buildings. I try to think of being sick as a good opportunity for losing weight. It really is the ultimate weight loss plan. First off, I’m not really hungry…which means I am eating a normal amount of food. Then of course there is the fever. I figure that the elevated body temperature means my body is burning extra calories during those hours. That’s how it works right? Don’t argue with me I’m sick. Also coughing is the ultimate workout for your core. Throw away those electric waste bands and ab rollers! After a few good coughs you can really feel the burn. I think I’m going to start an infomercial. For $19.99 I’ll send you a jar I coughed in and if you order within the next 25 minutes I’ll throw in these suckers I sneezed all over for free! May be I can even get a celebrity to endorse my product. Like the George Forman grill or whatever the hell workout machine Chuck Norris was peddling back in the day. It’s too bad Billy Mays died…he’d be all over this.