Super duper

I was reading a book (totally by accident) and in it someone was asked if they were a super hero what superpowers they would have. For the rest of the day, well the next few minutes anyway, I started to wonder what my answer would be to said question. In the end I decided I didn’t want to be a super hero at all. They have a thankless job and they rarely get the gal because they have secret identities. I did however come up with a few special abilities that I would want, but by having would not make me a superhero.

1. I want the ability to cross my eyes.
The ability to cross my eyes would entertain me for a lifetime. If I could cross my eyes I would bust it out every chance I had. In line at Wendy’s I’d receive my food and when they said thank you, I’d cross my eyes. If someone was yelling at me for something I did or said, I could just cross my eyes and all would be forgiven in an instant eruption of laughter. Crossing my eyes would be awesome.

2. I want to know what time it is at all times.
Knowing the exact time and date at all times would be great, and would come in very handy if I am ever trapped on a deserted island. I also believe it would make me more popular around my peers. I would be known as the guy who always knows what time it is, and just thinking about the ladies who would want me to set their watches makes me happy. I’m pretty sure I could market that. You would know your time piece was quality if, and only if, it was a Derek Amundson set piece. And if that doesn’t work out I would at least save thousands of dollars on future clocks/watches and clock/watch batteries.

3. I want to be able to spread things on a sandwich perfectly in one swipe.
This one is a little selfish. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve wasted in my life away making multiple swipes at bread. Be it peanut butter, mayo, miracle whip, mustard, or any other condiment, I want the ability to spread it evenly over an entire piece of bread in one swipe. One time I made peanut butter toast and covered the whole piece in one swipe and to this day I am yet to repeat that feat.

4. I want to be able to control electronic devices with my mind.
I have a lot of remotes and it sure would make my life a lot easier if I could just change things with my mind. I could control the fan, the tv, the xbox, my computer, my camera, all with my mind. Plus I could play a lot of jokes on people because they wouldn’t know that I had the ability. Whenever anyone was watching something on TV that I didn’t like I could change the channel without them knowing, or turn it off completely. Then I could start their car, and open the garage door, and then I could make up long lavish stories about how their house is haunted and that they need someone to come remove the poltergeist…of course I would just happen to be in the poltergeist removal business…cha-ching.