Adventures with Fred

So lately I've been carpooling with the two guys I started working with. I had been driving everywhere we worked but since we sometimes drive over 70 miles a day I decided it was time to bite the bullet. Chris (the white guy) and Fred (the black guy) sit in the front and talk and I sit in the back trying desperately to pretend that I'm somewhere else. Today though I realized that it's like watching a TV show, which I've called "Adventures with Fred." Fred is definitely one of the most interesting people I've ever met. For one, he talks non stop from the moment we get in the car until the moment we get out. Usually the car rides break down like this: First thing he does in the morning is starts talking about the movie he saw the night before. Last night he apparently saw Blades of Glory and I have to say that having Fred recite it to me was way better than actually seeing the movie in person. After that he started talking about how he wants to live in Nevada because he get pick up prostitutes and they'll only give him a ticket (since he saw that happen on cops.) Then Fred asks me, "Have you been in prison?" I respond, "Uh, no Fred. I haven't been in prison." Fred reacts like this is the most amazing thing he has ever heard...here I am 26 and haven't even been in prison 1 time. He keeps saying, "For REAL? Not even once?!?" "No, Fred...not once." Just then he sees a buzzard eating a raccoon and he rolls down the window and yells, 'HEY YO FALCON! LET THAT RACCOON DIE IN PEACE!" Then he sees a lady mowing the lawn and he yells, "THAT's RIGHT MAMA. YOU MOW THAT LAWN! THAT AIN'T NO MAN'S JOB!" The next block there is a dude and he yells, "YOU GONNA LET YOUR GIRL MOW THE LAWN!?!?" Then in the next breath he says, "Man I want half the worlds children to be mine." Then in a girls voice, "I want a boy" "BAM!!" and he does a little hip thrust. "I want twin girls!" "BAM! BAM" thrust thrust. "I want quadruplets!!" "BAM! BAM! BAM!" Thrust, thrust, thrust...
Then he turns around, "Have you ever even been arrested?"

No Fred....